i don't think the pain will ever go away completely. in a way... this might sound strange... but i'll share it in case someone else is able to resonate... in a way... i think that if the pain did ever completely go away that it would be disrespectful to myself. similarly to how when a loved one dies the pain gets better over time (less intense, less frequent) but there would be something disrespectful about the pain going away completely. it gets better but it never disappears entirely.

gg once said to me something that her therapist said to her. it isn't about making the pain smaller it is about making the rest of you larger. there will always be a place within me for my pain and my grief. i will always feel the pain and grief at times. what i really do believe (when i'm in a relatively good space) is that over time i'll have more control over when i feel it and when i don't and i'll not need to feel it so very often and at such an extreme state of intensity.