Dear Anthony,
I became addicted to a relationship I had on-line. It was a symptom of my problems at home. I could not speak to my husband about the inner me. I had hidden parts of my life so deeply and just couldn't bear for him to find out about them because I felt they made me an awful person. On-line I could talk about these things that had been eating me up for years and years. On-line I was free from the fear of seeing that look that gets on people's face when they think what I have done and had done to me is distasteful. I needed to talk, I had tried to get into therapy 2 times but was dumped by both therapists making it even more obvious to me that I could not possibly tell anyone I knew about what happened because even therapists couldn't stand to look at me. So when I got on-line suddenly I could talk about all this stuff, about being raped and abused, about what I did to cope with it. It felt good to be able to talk about this toxic muck that was filling my being. I met a guy who would listen and would tell me about his muck. He was always there to tell me what a wonderful person I was even though I had done these things. It was extremely addicting for me.

The thing is it is not real and that is what makes it so dangerous. People can get on-line when they feel like it. In real life you have to deal with the person even when you don't feel like it. People on-line can give themselves a persona that is what the other person wants more then anything but that persona may not be real. But when you are addicted reality mixes with fantasy and it becomes impossible to tell the two apart.

When my husband found out it drove me over the edge. I either had to loose my husband or loose the one outlet for the toxicity of my inner being. Neither loss was acceptable. I totally lost touch with reality and ended up having to go to the hospital because I had a complete, severe mental breakdown. I am fortunate though. My husband was devoted to me and gave me the time to wean myself off the internet relationship even though that relationship tore him apart. I also got hooked up with a therapist who was willing to take me on. I found out that I was BPD and now wonder if that is why the other two dumped me since there are a lot of therapists who do not want to deal with people with this mental illness. The relationship with my T eventually became my new outlet for these feelings and he taught me how to express this stuff to my husband. Even so it took me over year to gain enough trust in him and my ability to express my feelings to my husband to finally be able to break the tie between me and the guy on-line. It is a hard thing to do. If my husband had forced me to end contact in one blow I probably would have killed myself or at least tried. I was severely suicidal through that whole period of my life.

I hope this helps.
Carrie

<font color=blue>The important thing is this: to be able at any momeent to sacrifice what we are for what we could become.--Charles Du Bos