I am having some bad OCD and other problems lately. I feel like everything aggravates everything. And I can't tell anyone, because they'll assume it's because I've been lowering my medication (under my psych's care), but I've had days like this even on the highest doses I've been on.

For one thing, the weather's getting warmer, and being overheated or too cold worsens my OCD and makes me irritable. Once I'm a normal temperature, I feel so much more relaxed. People can't see the OCD thoughts and the frustrations associated with it (like how the thoughts swim about in my head, including my frustration with telling my psych, knowing she'll automatically assume it's because of lowering the meds, and the more I deny it, the more she'll assume it is), so they don't understand. I told my boyfriend earlier (when he was awake) that I was hot and he didn't do anything. He says in our new house, it'll be warmer than we're used to in the summer, and cooler in the winter, to save air conditioning and heating bills. I understand that, but he can't understand what it's like when I can't stop the thoughts and stop feeling irritable. Just like he (and other people) don't understand or believe me when I say that, on my period, my cramps are worsened or even caused by being too cold and relieved by being warm. And moving around (such as washing my hands, using the bathroom, going to the kitchen, etc.) makes me hotter and more irritated. People think I don't understand about money, but I do! But when you can't relax and want to cry and want the thoughts to stop, they can't begin to understand what that's like!!!!!!

I'm low on paper towels, and my bf gets on me about how many I use, and the same with toilet paper (which makes me really uncomfortable). I get more nervous when I'm low, because if I run out, I can't touch much. I'm sparing a lot of detail (if you think this post is long now, you wouldn't want to see how long it would be if I posted about my OCD in more detail!), because I want to get some stuff done tonight. But I stopped here to get this out of my system. No one can understand how it feels when I have to wait to get back to "normal" (for me) life. I can't touch my computer and other things, can't kill time with things to entertain me like the TV (except if it's on, and I can't change the channel, so whatever's on is on), etc., but I can't really be entertained, anyway, because I'm feeling dirty and just want to get washed up and feel normal again, you know?

My bf doesn't understand what is really involved with my OCD, and I don't tell him everything, because he makes me feel like a burden as it is. When he starts acting overwhelmed and depressed (I think he has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder; he worries too much, and has a lot of "Buyer's Remorse" for big purchases, like this house...but he keeps trying to make me happy about it, and I have told him, it's not going to happen), I feel like I can't tell him when I need to talk, and I can't be held or loved, because I feel like he'll be thinking, Get me out of this! How do I get away from her? Actually, that's the way I've felt about anyone I've wanted affection from, and I'm pretty darn sure it comes from my mother, who would always push me away. She'd be like, "I'm just going to the bathroom," or, "Just let me fold these clothes," but she wouldn't come back. She'd keep making excuses to get away.

I feel so much like crying, but I try not to cry. Not because I think I have to be "brave"--well, I do, in the sense that I can't let my bf see me lose it, because I can't deal with him seeing me as a burden--but because crying aggravates my dry eye syndrome. Then my eyes will feel irritated, with gunk in them, and uncomfortable, plus I might not be able to get it all out for a while (that's common). Additionally, I can't touch my own tears, because they're "dirty" to me, and I use a lot of paper towels, not just from drying my hands, but also to blot my eyes, because they tear up a lot (not usually from crying, but that's part of dry eyes, watering up), and my tears burn and itch, and if I touch the paper towels (or tissues, or anything else I use) where the moisture from my eyes is, I have to wash my hands, which is why I try to throw them away quickly, even if only a couple spots of the paper towel has been used. I can't keep them with me, because there's more risk of coming into contact with that moisture, and I worry that the moisture will soak through to my hand.

When I've talked to the eye doctors (several) about it, they just dismiss it and toss sample OTC eye drops at me. I have one I use, which has worked best, but it doesn't do nearly enough, and I can only use it at night, because I can't afford to buy them to use all the time. The last doctor dismissed my complaints of how bad it is, by telling me there are people who are worse, and can't even open their eyes sometimes. I'm not arguing there are people worse off than me, but that doesn't mean this isn't screwing up my life! It's 24-7. I put eye drops in my eyes before bed, to relieve them so I can get to sleep easier. When I wake up, I have to wipe out the gunk, but that can irritate my eyes from the rubbing, and the gunk can come right back. All day, I'm dealing with this, and the stuff in my eyes can make the corners of my eyes all crusty and uncomfortable.

I also have excessive yawning, which causes me to tear up excessively (I never see other people rub so much wetness from their eyes after yawning), and I sleep as many as 12 hours a day, even 14 sometimes when I'm on my period. Everything aggravates everything.

My bf doesn't understand how important it is that I have certain things at our house as soon as we move in. He wants to take our current furniture over there, and then replace it with new furniture soon after (because he can't throw it out here at the apartment complex), but then this furniture will "contaminate" the area of the new house that the new furniture will go to. I don't want to explain this to him, because he'll get upset. And I need so many other things.

I'm sorry I'm a burden to everybody, and I just want a place by myself and to not bother anyone. I want to live on my own, but I can't afford it. And my OCD makes it freaking hard!!!!!! People suggest things, but when I say I can't because of my OCD, they get frustrated with me, say, "I gave you solutions, but you don't want to do anything!" I can't help it if my OCD is this bad right now. It's a lot better than it used to be. I need my own place so I can deal with it on my own, without the worries of sharing a home comes with. I'm not able to relax and think and concentrate, which goes a long way in me overcoming OCD issues. I need to be able to "step back," and I can't do that when OCD problems are hitting me left and right.

I wish I had someone in my life who supported me, understood me, and didn't make me feel like a burden. Plus, someone who trusted me enough to make my own decisions and to try to solve my problems my way, instead of criticizing me all the time. My bf says he's really worried about me going off meds, and he feels Paxil has been the best for me, but it has too many side effects (even the resident I spoke with on my last visit agreed it's a bad drug), and I don't want to deal with side effects, long-term effects, weight gain, low libido and other things these drugs do. Our society is so drug-happy, people automatically think it's the thing to do if something's wrong with you. And I'm not saying all drugs are bad. But people shouldn't be put down if they want to try other options.