So today i was reading my text book for my Family & Relations course, and i was reading about different types of parenting, and what one should do to ensure that they raise their children in the right way. And as i was reading all of this i couldn't help but think back to my own childhood .. to how my mother and father raised me, and how they did it. You should know that my mother and I do not have a close relationship by any means, and that our interactions are very hostile and we just don't get along. Anyways, reading all of that got me thinking ... and my mother did all the right things. She took interest in my life by coaching my ringette teams for the majority of my life, by encouraging me to do what i wanted like playing piano or different sports ... she did her best, and she did everything that she possibly could have to try and create a good relationship between us. Yet here i am and i can't help but think that that reason we aren't close is my fault. And i know what you are all thinking that it takes two people to fight etc etc ... but seriously, she did the best she could and yet when i think of her i get upset. I took everything to heart that she did and i'm the one who doesn't like her new boyfriend, i'm the one who always holds back when she wants to talk, i'm the one who doesn't trust her or want to confide in her ... and yet i'm hurting so much because of it. I long for her to be the mother I need ... to get the support and caring i need from my family .... but i can't seem to let myself talk to her. She had a hard life growing up and she did the best she could raising myself and my brothers ... but here i am being difficult.

I'm really doing a poor description of what i'm trying to say ... but then again i never was good at that. I don't understand myself. She tells me she wants to talk with me, to try and understand me, yet i push her away wanting nothing to do with her for no good reason ... and i know that i need to talk with her in order to build any sort of relationship, but i just can't. I know i should but i won't, and she doesn't deserve it .. she doesn't deserve her only daughter to be so selfish ... why am i like this? Why can't i just accept her for who she was and get over my stupid hang ups? What is wrong with me? Why am i such a horrible person .. honestly, i'm not saying this to be dramatic .. i actually don't understand.

I can be such a caring person with other people, and my "mother figure" that i had for the past two years (not my actual mother) I let so freely into my heart ... yet when it comes down to my actual mother .. i can't.

I'm sorry, i'm not making much sense. And for people who don't really know a whole lot about me this probably won't mean much to you ... so in that case, don't worry about responding. Actually .. i dont know if theres so much anyone can really say to any other this. I'll stop rambling now ...