yeah the bus gets me there about 20 minutes early so i get a cup of coffee and read a bit. i usually try and think about what i'd like to talk to him about on the bus. it is hard though. my mind goes blank once i'm in there. all embarrassed.

i guess different parts of me are at the forefront at different times. kt feels pretty close to the surface now and that is hard. all those needy clingy vulnerable feelings. just want him to hold me and not send me away after an hour. take me home with him and wrap me up in a blanket or something and make me chicken soup and stroke my hair. like i'm a new kitten or something. hard to explain. embarrassing. wish his attuned presence could follow me everywhere. can't get enough. my insatiable need to merge with him...

then... the terror and repulsion that comes up so suddenly out of the blue and is equally frightening in its intensity.

it would be nice if the benzo could just take the edge off the emotion. just take the edge off it. so i might actually be able to talk about it without being in danger of being taken over by it. i hope i can tell him that i'll miss him. don't imagine i'll be able to say it until the end. but it won't seem appropriate to say it then. maybe i'll start off by trying to say that i'm not sure how appropriate it is to just jump into something intense. that i kind of don't feel like it is appropriate and that i worry about burdening him with my crap.

maybe...

all these things seem to just go out the window when i'm actually with him.

maybe the benzo will help.