I am seventeen years old, and have suffered from officially diagnosed depression for just short of two years now. I'm really scared about typing this, but I figure I have to do this because I'm in desperate need of help and I have trouble talking about my personal struggles with my own family.

When I first joined PsychCentral, I was told this site is full of supportive and caring people. People here can talk about their problems without being judged, and yet I'm really scared of being judged and exposed as the horrible person that I am. Why, you may ask? Because my depression is all my own fault. It's all my fault that I'm depressed because I once said something horrible to somebody else, and I can't forgive myself for it. People on this site have been through many stressful events, and there are some people in the world who have no way of getting help, those poor people, but me? Well, let's just say the reasons why I'm depressed are absolutely pathetic. I don't even deserve to live because they are such awful reasons.

Well, here goes everything.

From junior school onward, I have been bullied because I have always been sensitive and easily upset, and of course bullies find pleasure in hurting others for reasons unknown to me. It wasn't too bad at first—just persistent teasing—but as I got older it metamorphosed into name-calling, rumour spreading and even physical acts of violence like picking up a lunch-table and throwing it at me. I eventually came to be extremely frightened of the bullies; I would skip class and stay indoors at break just to avoid those horrid creatures. The bullying has mentally damaged me and made me even more sensitive than I already was.

In the summer of 2011 when I was fourteen, I found out via a YouTube video about a certain cartoon called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. In case you don't know, a woman called Lauren Faust took the infamous franchise and made a cartoon that doesn't insult its audience's intelligence and can be watched by all ages. It was originally targeted towards girls and women, but as more and more males became fans it spread out to include them too. A periphery demographic, if you will. Out of curiosity, I decided to watch it. As I watched more episodes, I became emotionally close to the character Fluttershy, a pegasus pony who suffers from anxiety but oh, what a sweetheart she is. I could relate to her anxiety very well because I had developed anxiety as a result of the bullying, and I was so touched by her sweet and caring nature that I came to fall deeply in love with her.

Part of my depression stems from my unrequited feelings, for Fluttershy is a cartoon character and therefore does not exist in this mortal world. It really hurts to love someone and know they don't exist. My heart aches thinking about her; I want to be by her side, to hold her close and hug her while caressing every part of her beautiful mane and body and tell her how much I love her. I would do anything to make her happy (within reason) and I would do anything to comfort her if she was sad. But this is all just a fantasy, because she does not exist and my feelings will never be returned.

And now, enter F14ace.

On June 18, 2012, when I was fifteen, I got into a fight with somebody online called F14ace when he posted a comment to the video 'Gilda makes Fluttershy cry'—where a gryphon severely scolds Fluttershy for accidentally bumping into her and then roars at her, reducing her to tears—saying: "Well seeing how both Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie annoy the crap out of me and are my least favourite characters in the show, it's pretty satisfying to see her cry and I think all you people need to stop the rage comments. In fact I find Gilda to be a pretty interesting character. I'd like to know how…" I don't remember the rest of the comment, and maybe that's for the best. I was sickened by this comment. How sick in the head can one be to think those who are compassionate and caring toward others are annoying, and bullies interesting? So me and F14ace got into a fight. F14ace told me Fluttershy is "just a bland Mary Sue". So if you are compassionate toward others, you are a Mary Sue. Only a truly horrible individual would think along those lines. I thought of all the people in history who gave so much to help others: Mother Theresa, Ghandi, Mary Seacole, etc., and I thought of all the people who have suffered from bullying and eventually killed themselves because of it. I snapped.

I don't like freedom of speech; I don't like the idea that people are allowed to say whatever they like about whatever they like because it condones verbal abuse. Imagine if you worked for ages on a project and somebody said "This is the worst thing I have ever seen". It would crush you. I struggle to get on with people who disagree with me, and looking back on my past, I think I always have. It's one of my many failings. I also have no tolerance for people who think kind people are boring. I bluntly told F14ace that I thought he wasn't right in the head and needed psychiatric help, to which he said: "No, you're just a butthurt fanboy who can't tolerate the idea of someone having a different opinion than you. Grow up." This was too much for me to take. After all the bullying I'd been through, all the verbal insults and names I'd had to endure, I was now treated as if I'm not allowed to have emotions or feelings. That was how I felt at the time. After that comment, I burst into tears and cried myself to sleep.

That was when I first developed symptoms of depression. I lost my appetite, cried almost every day, woke up very early in the morning and am unable to get back to sleep again, and eventually came to hate myself for what I had said to F14ace. I feel completely stuck in a hole that I had dug myself, because I gave into anger and wounded feelings and said something terrible. I have obsessed over what F14ace said about Fluttershy and me and have become more and more depressed. Yet I bottled up my feelings inside me for over a year before I broke under the pressure and told my mum through a letter that I was in love with Fluttershy and was terribly hurt by what somebody on the internet had said about her the previous year. After all, how would you feel if somebody said horrible things about somebody you really cared about, like a family member?

Speaking of which, on July 19, 2012, I accidentally stumbled upon a journal post on DeviantART by F14ace where he reaffirmed his liking for Gilda and hatred for Fluttershy. That journal post only managed to wound me further, and my depression deepened. On August 10 of that year, I went back to F14ace's YouTube comment and told him his contempt for the kind-hearted disgusted me. I didn't read his reply; I was too frightened to. I thought he was pure evil.

Over time, I came to realise I'm not just frightened of F14ace; I am frightened of all non-bronies i.e. people who aren't fans of the cartoon. This fear is completely irrational—I'm sure there are people out there who don't like the show and are still lovely people in real life, but that's so hard to believe—but it's there because the ones I've run into are all the judgmental kind who think you're pathetic or immature if you are one. Eventually these people made me feel so ashamed of myself that I stopped watching the cartoon altogether. It has now been over a year since I watched it and I have no intention of going back, though I still love Fluttershy.

Back to my breakdown. After I confessed my feelings to my mother, she was thankfully supportive and understanding. She arranged for me to see a person at college who was a Learning Support person, but I found I couldn't bear to talk about how I felt because the emotional part of my brain was enormous and the rational part so small. It was decided that I wasn't ready to talk about my feelings, and they would wait until the time was right for me to talk about it. I think I'm almost ready now; I'm certainly not as scared as I used to be about talking to somebody about how I feel, otherwise I wouldn't be posting here on this site. I posted my struggles to a site called Experience Project and got two very supportive comments, but my depression and obsessive thoughts have kicked in again since then. Eventually I had to see a doctor about my mental health issues and she prescribed sleeping tablets for my sleeping issues as well as anti-depressants, which have been successful sometimes and not-so at others. My sleeping has improved but I woke up very early today and cried bitterly again.

My mother has told me that the next time we see the doctor, she will push to get me a therapist. My doctor appointment isn't for over a months' time which is why I'm asking for help here. And that's where I am today, waiting and hating myself for what I said to F14ace nearly two years ago. I'm an awful person undeserving of love or help, yet here I am asking for help because I'm so selfish. This is all my own fault, I know, because I'm an awful person. I apologize if I ever sounded like a whiny five-year-old in this post; I feel very emotional about this mess I've got myself into. I just hate myself; I'm sick, bigoted and cruel. I feel I've said something terrible and I just can't forgive myself. I'm so scared of getting judgmental comments, too.