Thank you for being here, even if "here", a support forum, isn't a place any of would want to have to frequent, because none of us want to suffer in the first place. But, since we do, it is so much better to have a place where other people understand.

I have had a hard week, emotionally and physically. I have a number of physical health problems. As a kid, I was kind of "sickly", I had respiratory infections and tonsillitis several times a year. I had a couple of bouts with pneumonia, in the hospital about 4 or 5 days when I was 4, and that I think contributed to current problems. When I was 19, ironically at a time in my life when I was at my lowest adult weight ever, I felt very bad during the summer between my freshman and sophomore year, and I finally asked them to come get me from the university and take me to the doctor - I was diagnosed with type II diabetes and put on a diet to limit carbs and eat low glycemic index foods, plus I seem to recall some kind of little green pill.

I stopped seeing doctors in my 20's, didn't go for 20 years, would tough out an illness or injury. I also gave up any exercise, stopped riding my bike, stopped jogging in my late 20s. And I ate the S.A.D. full of toxins posing as food, refined simple carbs, salty fatty meats, artificial blech. I went up and down in weight, would put on 30-40 lbs, get disgusted and go to Weight Watchers and drop it, keep it off a while, and then do that all over again - I repeated that cycle probably 5 or 6 times in 20 years. I really gained weight in 2011-2012, I was 60 lbs heavier than I am this morning, and it was horrible.

All of that has taken a toll, and as much as I have made strides and am in many ways in the best shape of my life, aesthetically if nothing else (size 34 pants are now a little loose, 2 years ago I was wearing size 42 and they were straining at the seams), I have caused myself permanent damage. This week, I have struggled physically, ended up at the doctor for a problem, and I hate it. Who I want to be in my mind is complicated by my body's unwillingness to forgive me for abusing it.

I wish I knew then what I know now ... Things would be very different.