I am 50 years old, have worked my whole life, but recently the depression got so bad I was forced financially to move home with my parents. They had never really seen my depression as I was 2500 miles away since I was 19. It was very difficult to see there son in bed all day and suicidal. I am very fortunate that they already had some understanding as my mother has worked in the mental health field her whole life. They educated themselves in how best to help me and have been very supportive. My two brothers and sister it is different. They don't seem to understand it and totally avoid the topic which hurts me.

To get to how this may apply to you.....I realized at a certain point I was relying way to much on my parents support. I could see the anguish in my Mothers eyes when I shared what was really going on with me. I needed them but I realized I could not burden them anymore with every detail of what is going on with me. Now I just stick to the normal topics and don't get into my anxiety and depression. I had a good support network in CA but I moved back to Michigan so I figured I needed to build a new support network outside of my family. A big part of that is professional help. A big part of it has been this forum that I discovered at the same time I realized I could not longer burden my parents so much. I got clean and sober 19 years ago and discovered that the only people who truly understood me was other recovering alcoholics. The same applies to my depression and anxiety. the only people who can really understand are those who have gone through and are going through the same thing. So I would suggest finding people who also suffer. Group therapy, friends, local support groups, where ever you can find them. It is a scary proposition because you have to take the risk of revealing your problems to others. You may be surprised. I one day told the girl who cuts my hair that I suffered from depression and she said she did too. So when I get my hair cut and she ask me what is going on in my life I don't feel judged. One tiny piece of a support network. A couple of other friends I chat with all the time on facebook. One piece at a time i am rebuilding my support network outside of my family.

Let your family be there for you as much as they are capable of being but get all the possible support you can outside of them. You blamed yourself for a lot of things. If you have clinical depression it is not your fault. As young as you are and if you did not have family trauma and abuse it is almost assuredly genetic and biological. Not your fault. Feelings of self loathing and self hate are symptoms. Irritability and agitation are also symptoms. Maybe lower your expectations on your family and rely on us here and others who understand.

I hope and pray that your treatment and support is successful enough that you are able to pursue your career in college with success. I dropped out of college because of drugs alcohol and depression. I wanted to be a biochemist and had the brains to do it. I had no idea at the time I had depression. No one had a clue back then. You are already being treated and with the right support you can do it.