I feel as though I'm past the 'breaking' point. As though I'm lower than that. The last week in particular I've had to consciously deter myself from following through on suicide plans. Now...I feel like I don't even have the energy to bother with an attempt. The few people who have bothered to come around me in recent weeks have all disappeared. Even my husband (who is out of state for work) has quit speaking to me via text or calls. Last conversation with him I was trying to explain my depression and suicidal ideation....and he kept trying to stear the conversation to sex. Ultimately, we argued and he said he didn't give a damn how I was feeling I needed to "act like a f-n wife" or he would find someone that would. Guess he went looking....

I live in the country. No one comes out here. It's just my kids and I at this point. I force myself to go through the motions of caring for them, but...sometimes they go days without baths, sometimes the eat cereal for every meal...I know I'm being a really crappy mother. I can't take care of myself....how can I take care of them adequately?? I don't want to loose them...and at the same time I can't help but think they would be better off without me. They have been my only reason recently to not follow through on certain impulses...I absolutely did not want them finding me. Realistically, considering out location and lack of company, it would be days...or even weeks...before anyone else would notice anything out of place and find me. Since I don't have anyplace to send my kids...I guess I have to force myself to go through each day for them.

I don't know what my point is here, or if I even have one. I feel like I'm just rambling so I'll get off here.