Hey IT-

I was very surprised by this. I've read many of your posts and we have chatted a bit and you are very funny. But now the darkness is trying to take you and there is nothing funny about that.

Remind yourself that you have been in this dark place before. Most of us have. Remind yourself that if you stick around, you may go through it again. But I hate to see that damn monster win. I am almost twice your age but I remember that my mid thirties were the hardest time for me.
Society says you should be at a certain place in your life right now-that you should have accomplished certain things and have certain goals.

But we have to have different rules than society, because we are different. And that certainly isn't a crime punishable by death. I know that you are not being dramatic, and I understand it is not neccessarily the depression that is guiding this decision. Sometimes the apathy is even worse.

And the lack of self esteem makes it so difficult to break out of this cycle.
Isn't there one thing you have a faint spark of interest in? One thing you might explore that might take your focus off death for awhile? If I may suggest something, google 'cave paintings in France'. What makes it so special is that it is the earliest sign of man attempting to communicate through art. The paintings are 32,000 years old.

This is a decision only you can make. But if you take your life, you take something good from the world. You take your future and what it might turn out to be. You take what you mean to other people. And you let the monster win. Hang in there just for a little while. You know this will go away, as it always does, and you know that for us we have to hang on by tooth and nail sometimes, waiting for it to pass.

This is a kinship here-we are all damaged by abuse or illness and we all have to fight it day by day. And for the most part, I think we love each other, not from knowing each other in a personal way, but from being connected by the whims of life that have knocked us around until we feel worthless. I love you and I would be so sad to see you go. Please pm me-I promise I will listen to anything you need to say and I know how to keep a confidence. So please write. And go take a look at the caves. Sometimes it takes something remarkable to help put things in perspective.

I am rooting for you. Tea