So this is the first week of the two week therapy break. Yesterday I emailed an online friend, whom I've met and will be having at my home again in 3weeks, and as soon as I'd emailed her I felt that maybe I was too needy. Maybe I will drive her away with my constant being in touch? and my need to be in touch is because I need to know she's still "there, that she hasn't left me, but of course why would she? Its all fear in my head.

Of course yet again this us ungrounded thoughts that I have. So I was journalling last night still trying to comprehend what my loveless childhood means to me.

I still keep getting hooked on the moment when I was 4 when my adoptive mother dropped the bombshell that she wasn't my real mother. My adoptive mother I have come to learn suffers from a personality disorder so things were never great but this moment when she told me this news echo's in my mind all the time.

As I was journaling and thinking about how awful it must have been for me back then to have to try to comprehend this information? Not having a "loving" mother to guide me through the shock I was left to deal with it by myself.

In a moment of clarity last night it was like I knew exactly what I did to deal with this news, I "lost" myself, not only did I loose me, I lost my adoptive mother and lost the only world i had come to know. I also learnt that I had another mother and in the same moment had to loose her too.

This Loosing myself is the most painful of things. I became a ghost, a shadow of who I once was. I think when T has a break I remember how it felt to loose myself way back yrs ago and I fear that loosing myself again and while I'm with T I feel myself but when I'm not I loose myself, accept now I cannot loose myself like I did as a child, because I am adult, I have more life experience off "WHO I AM" and when T isn't with me, I still exist, unlike the moment adoptive mum told me she wasn't my real mum anymore, its like who we were together ceased in that moment, in loosing her I lost me because a child does'nt realy have a full independent self at this age.

But understanding that though T isnt here, I still am, I still have my likes and dislikes, I am alive!

I think I get caught up in over mapping me and T with me and adoptive mum all those yrs ago, and when T goes its like that moment all over again and I go and the relationship between me and T ceases, but it doesn't because its today, its the here and now!

I've compared all my relationships to this over mapping. But when I compare relationships to my healty ongoing relationship I have with T, it all calms down and is hopeful.

Its like in my unconsious, all things get compared to "that" moment many yrs ago, that moment when I lost mum as I knew her, when I lost my safe life as I knew it, when I lost me!

Hope this makes sense????????

I know T still exists even if shes not here at the moment and I know "we" me and her will carry on when she comes back and I know there isn't anything she can say to me that will have the same "lost" effect as hearing my mum wasnt mum had. It can't because i have words and understanding today as an adult, I can't loose me.