That sounds like quite the challenge Jane. When I have to do an event where there could be a lot of people and there are unknowns, I experience a lot of anxiety leading up to the event. However, I find that once I get there and am all set up I can relax more as I have a way of setting up my boundaries that I can manage.

What you are describing seems to be more than one challenge, but your professor knows and you "can" leave if you need to, however, wouldn't it be nice if you went and learned you can actually manage fine?

You are a student right now, learning and using your talents in what you have learned. You are definitely not stupid either, you are actually very capable. This is all about what "you" want right Jane?

Well, I know that PTSD makes this kind of situation a big challenge, anyone with PTSD would be able to validate you on that one. Yes, there are things about it that the PTSD is going to "question" and yes, in a way that the average person doesn't understand too. The only thing you can do is either not go, or, give it a try knowing you "can" leave if you need to.

As I said, you "are" very intelligent and "capable" Jane, the one that has to "know" that the most is "you". I know that it is hard to fall and be brave to get back on that horse and try again, and that fear of falling again doesn't "just" go away quickly, but it does with time and just learning to master it more. Also, being "sensitive" can end up being a plus too, because the one thing we do need more of out there "is" people who are sensitive to other's needs. We need more people capable of seeing the need "you" had long ago when your husband was ill and you needed support too. So, what you "can" do is "your part" in being one person putting forth an effort to recognize that need and help society see it too.

Jane, PTSD doesn't have to be "hidden" all the time, it can be something "positive" because it forces the people who struggle with it to become more "aware" of the emotional that is there in every person and tends to be ignored.

It is important to recognize that "everyone" tends to run from and suppress their emotions Jane. That is a major problem taking place in society that is leading to so many "unhealthy" things taking place now. While the PTSD you struggle with "magnifies", I can assure you that most of the other people that will be in that event that you are talking about has very similar "fears".

There are so many studies that are actually expressing all different kinds of psychological and physical challenges people suffer from because of how much they "suppress" their emotions. When people work hard all their lives and then finally retire, statistically many people die within two years. Why do you think that happens? The reason that happens is that so many people follow a pattern where they work and work to distract or disassociate from their emotions, and then they do things on the weekends to again "avoid" emotions too. Once they face having "nothing" to help them avoid, they can't handle it and they die.

Jane, society is encouraging more women to be like your mother, you know first hand how badly that affects a person that disrupts their whole life. It isn't something that can be "changed" by just throwing money out there either, and we can't expect teachers to educate countless children who only go home to the wrong dysfunctional messages either.

The main reason we have so many "dangerous" people out there is because they are actually "emotionally" baron/starved and because of that they end up doing bad things to others just to be "visible" somehow. That is also the reason we have so many confused people out there in society too with all kinds of "victim mentalities".

Ask yourself again Jane, "what do you want", and "what are you learning in therapy" that is so emotionally challenging to you? If you pay attention, this "need" is all over this site and so many are searching for "this something" which is in someway a need you had too that did not get met. And Jane, we actually did see the reality of this when an experiment was done with a baby primate that was given a mother that had no warmth or nurturing, the baby could not even function when it was put into a group of other primates, it was so bad that that primate had to be removed from the others and live out it's life "alone". Why is that stuffed animal such a comfort to you? Why do you want to be held? Why do you feel guilty for needing that?

Jane, it is pretty "sad" to me that a so called "professional, doctor of child psychology" came out to my farm and saw me do something that she herself did not do. It is extremely disturbing to me that I reach out to a husband and wife team, him a psychiatrist and her a psychologist and "they learn something they feel is so profound from me, so much so that the wife takes a leave of absence from her practice to actually go home and "be a nurturing mother". It is extremely disturbing to me that I would approach a woman/mother who was not only a minister in a big church but also a psychologist and she refused to recognize extreme neglect taking place in a trainer she was entrusting her own child to be trained by, her own child along with others who came to me with concerns of seeing the extreme severe neglect very little children were suffering from. It is unbelievable to me that I would have to "show" a woman who authored a "self help book" that she was so badly neglecting her own child that the child would not even ride my pony or interact with the other children at her birthday party but instead hung on to her mother's dress the entire party. Here this woman is worried about taking time "away" from that child even more to go out on a book signing tour too.

My own daughter is way beyond her piers too. Many of her piers are getting divorced with children of their own, or they are living at home still and are only working and then getting together on weekends to party "just like they did in high school", my daughter just turned 30.

With all this new technology, we are only getting closer to doing what we saw that was so profound back in the 60's when that experiment was done with that baby primate where it was only given a metal "un-nurturing" mother. We as a society are witnessing the profound ways this is affecting our children
that are no longer safe even in their schools, we ask why?

Well, I don't know what this class is about that you are being asked to participate in that is challenging you so much. But I hope, somehow, someway, it has some way of connecting to this major problem I just discussed here. You are so bright Jane, you deserve to be a part of the "solution".

(((Hugs)))
OE