my weapon turned against me.
growing up the best solution from the things that were depressing because they were unchangeable and bad is to create myself a vivid and lively and exciting fantasy world - a mental shelter from the overwhelming.
I didn't get any other support as bad things continued to happen to me... like i was treated as stupid when I've got very good grades and so on....t
Since than I'm better with confronting problems, solving them.... I forced myself back to reality, learned to use my brain again (against all the bad memories) but my fantasies are turning against me. it seems like no matter how rationally I make a decision I'll daydream about the best possible outcome all day.... and reality doesn't match that. and that makes the perception of present... kind of faded... it is good when anxiety is fading with itm but recently that doesn't help at all. since I'm training myself to get out of my misery by critical thinking to avoid those traps.... but they're still here.
I'm constantly wandering back to them when I think about my tragic financial background and my unability to work... and my failure with school when I wasn't able to overcome my disapointment ect.... and while I did organise a good bit of things to restart I still have to wait in doubt which is killing me.
i'm depressed. and my mind wanders.... and sometimes that feels good and I let it, but mostly I have to kill those alternative realities because they make my plans seem irrational and overthought and.... useless... compared to the present self.... which is miserable and uneducated and unable to work....
how can I be still positive while not forgetting my present status??