Hi TJ, although the thoughts/intentions feel private to you there's still no reason why you should be dealing with them/having to deal with them on your own.
If you can deal with them then great, but they can be hard (really hard) so if there's someone else there you can try to talk to..........
And by doing that you might even be able to, between you, come up with some signs as to when you might be slipping in the direction of those thoughts/intentions so as you can try to find ways to avoid them, or some more coping techniques for when they do come up.
And when you're calling it can sometimes just be the fact that you're calling that sometimes makes those thoughts/intentions not seem so serious. Maybe just the act of picking up the phone and talking has, kind of, cut off as much of how serious you may have been/might be. And maybe it stops it from escalating????
Still even IF you aren't that serious when you call 99 times, but those 99 times prompt you to pick up the phone and call (as second nature) on the 100th time when you might be really serious deep down...........are those 99 times wasted??!!! Not a chance!! If they've helped you actually get the help you need when you've really needed it, they are just as important as that 100th call.
And other than that sometimes, every little can help, right??!! And sometimes it's as much about breaking through that instinct/habit/reluctance/fear/hesitation that's stopping you from talking.
Really glad you're starting to talk though, and really glad you're sharing with us!! You matter!!!
Alison