Teacake, I am very close to 50, although I guess like Jack Benny I will only admit to 29 (I think that was one of his running gags on his show).

I know that I did much of the damage to my body through abuse and neglect. Some is probably intrinsic, genetic or environmental, whatever.

I just have felt something is wrong for a long time. Then, of course, in some ways, I think I sound like a hypochondriac. Of course, now, whenever I see any doctor, I wonder how much of my "history" they know - do they know where I was, do they hold it against me, do they consider me a crackpot or a faker? So far, none of them seem to ... I am deeply paranoid of the electronic medical records, as it makes it no doubt much easier to access those kinds of records.

I want to be gloriously healthy, like so many of the guys I have gotten to know at my gym, the true athletes, many of who are in their 50s and even 60s and are competing in ironmans, marathons, criteriums and time trials and swimming events. I'm trying, and something is holding me back from getting the results I want. It isn't mental. It's purely physical, I do not have the stamina I really need for certain exercises. I can do them, but I really struggle. A 10K for me might as well be an ironman. I also do not think it is purely a matter of conditioning, as I am very inconsistent, and it correlates with physical signs and symptoms. I have been trying to get answers, working though organ systems and medical specialties for a year and half. I don't want to be too specific in a public post, only because I don't need to be any more personally identifiable than I already am, which is far too identifiable because I'm a total blabbermouth and can't stop talking. Anyway, the doctor took samples for blood and urinalysis.

And, of course, you are right - I know I can't keep going at this pace for much longer. This is where the mental aspect comes in - I have felt so afraid to stop any one thing, and I always feel like I need to do "more" - to keep my sanity, to keep my freedom, to keep myself safe from "the system" (oh, the joys of paranoia, I guess). So, it is a conundrum. I am leaning seriously towards dropping my strength training for a while after my guy leaves, I can do enough maintenance on my own not to regress. If I can get medical answers, or at least better management so I don't have flareups of the symptoms, I think I need to take all of this in a different tack in the future. One thing, not all over the board, one integrated training program, one trainer/coach. I know that can happen, they have the exact program I am want.

There are days when I feel like I want to die, or think about it, anyway. But those are much, much less frequent than they used to be. Overall, no, I want to live, really live, not just exist.

Despite how horrible the circumstances that got me there, I have come to know some very inspiring people, I want to be like them and be with them. I just can't quite make it, because I am being held back by whatever physically is wrong with me.