I went to the er the day they released me from the hospital with my baby last year for feeling suicidal. You sound like you could have so many things like postpartum depression and anxiety. Maybe ptsd. Please get help! You just went through a heck of an experience. Postpartum illnesses can happen all the way past the first year of your babies life! It's real. There is help and hope for you. It will be ok. If you come back here I found the website postpartum progress more helpful then anything on the internet for postpartum issues! They are so informative.