I'm not sure I can throw you the lifeline you're seeking, but I do relate to your post. I think my depression score went from 17 to 27 (the opposite way to yours) just because I started to acknowledge the depth of my feelings rather than be indifferent and numb to them. Actually, I don't think I was any better when the score was lower or any worse when it was higher.

I spent my adolescence and young adulthood up until my mid thirties feeling very much the way you described. I don't know what happened in my thirties but there was a time when I started to feel alive and in control of my mood. I managed 8 years med free in my forties, but actually I don't remember feeling that good, just that I could manage. Somewhere along the line I learnt to accept peace and contentment rather than happiness. I think that was my equivalent of your desire to escape the blurriness inside the head.

I'm guessing you must be in your early twenties, I did have some very exciting times back then, they were mixed in with the depression and they were attempts to snap myself out of the grip the illness had on me. Rather than cutting, I tried other risky things, fast driving, extreme sports those sorts of things. They gave me temporary relief, some of the things I regret, others not. Be careful in what you choose to "wake yourself up".

Do you have access to therapy? You really need to talk all this through with a professional, it may be a slow, hard path to acceptance, but hopefully you will find some better times ahead.