Complicated situation...

My dad died when I was ten and my mom went into a deep depression. Fast forward four years, I started self harm and having suicidal thoughts at 14. Things snowballed, I was hospitalized and in treatment centers for most of my adolescence. Never heard mention of a dx that I recall. Graduated high school from special school for emotionally disturbed kids, went to four year college somehow.

Went off meds halfway through senior year of high school, btw, became unshakeable depressed as I can now see through my journal writings.

I made it until I think October in college and then OD'd on Advil. Not a Sui attempt, just extreme self injury....but I was committed against my will into the psych ward around the college for two weeks. That was the first time I heard bipolar bandied about. The doc put me on lithium.

Cue the worst year of my life up until now. Seven hospital stays, dozens of meds and med combos, dangerous self injury, etc, culminating with a Sui attempt that my very well have been successful had I not felt guilty about my mom finding me (it was impulsive) and fifteen ECT treatments.

And the whole time I'm telling all the dr that THEY are crazy, not me. Nowthag I know how anti depressants affect me I have to wonder...

Anyway I managed for six years on my own, got through college, had a baby, got married, and started a career....and then everything crashed down around me. Suddenly the storm started up again. Screaming anger. Crushing depression. Dancing to my own head music. Washing dishes so fast they are breaking. Speeding. Loud music. Seeing things. And finally, self injury for the first time in six years. and since I had worked through the trauma in my life after I had ECT (I spent six months in a PHP for women's trauma) I had nothing left to believe but bipolar. And I STILL denied it.

But I'm finally able to accept it. I do have bipolar just like they told me. And I'm not a failure for it. That's the important part. It's not ME vs THEM. The doctors (some at least) were trying to help. But I still have to advocate for myself! No ADs!