This will be long so I will apologies upfront. When I wrote this earlier today I believe it logged me out before I submitted it so hope I can do justice second time around. I guess for me it all started around 15 years of age. I went to my Mom asking if I could see someone and she said no your okay. It just wasn't done in those days. From that point on I felt I had to work through it on my own. Through college I had my ups and downs but managed best I could. When I turned 40 that is when things started to become unmanageable. I really did not recognize it though until later. From 2003 - 2007 we were in crisis mode basically 24/7 with our one daughter and all my attention was focused on the day to day crisis really didn't think about myself. Around 2005 is when I noticed I could not manage anymore suicidal thoughts were any everyday thing for me. In Sept. of 2005 I started with a therapist who I still have today almost 9 years later. In 2007 I started on medication of one form or another and have continue ever since. Also in 2007 I had 3 complete breakdowns with the last one in September which ended me in a psych ward for 5 days. So I guess that is when I hit rock bottom as it were. In 2012 I retired from working which was one of the most difficult things I did but also one of the smartest things (life saving) I did because if I hadn't I am sure I would not be here today. Last spring/summer for about 5 months I had finally reached the top of the mountain and/or seen the light at the end of the tunnel it was the best I felt in 10 years. The last few months I have been struggling a lot. For family and friends I know they are tired and frustrated with it all. It is not like a broken leg were it will heal up in a couple months I wish it were.I know I can reach the mountain because I did it once but at this point in my life I am not sure it is attainable or possible. That is what has made these last few months so difficult I was there once. I also think that makes it so hard on family and friends because they can not understand why everything has gone south. I believe I will be free to speak my mind here in this forum which I am thankful for. We are all in different boats fixing holes, bailing water, or barely holding on just not to drown. I feel I will not be judged for who I am and have the openness to speak how I really feel at anytime so I thank you for that.