I have been bipolar my whole life. Depressive episodes, such as I am going through now, are very painful in their own way. The unloving, self-loathing, hatred, and worthless thoughts and feelings make me so miserable and unhappy. It seems endless, usually going on for months. It takes much effort to move. All I want to do is die. I would definitely rather have heart disease. I would have a life. Sure there would be heart pain that will last a few minutes or even hours. And soon a natural, non-suicidal death. I am ready to die!!!