I haven't posted in a few days. Since, Saturday or Friday I've been feeling more calm and in control but I wasn't all the way there. Yesterday, at night I was at a family thing for Father's Day and I was a little distracted but then out of nowhere I started getting very tense, anxious and quiet and started thinking about what makes me anxious. I just saw that everyone was so happy and carefree and I started feeling weird. I got home and felt very anxious and I was very tired and sleepy. I didn't need pills to sleep. I was genuinely sleepy. Which scared me a little because for weeks I haven't been sleepy. I thought I was gonna die in my sleep because it felt so weird that I was sleepy. It was the kind of sleepy that makes you dizzy and makes your eyes so heavy. It was weird. I slept okay, woke up a couple of times during the night but fell back asleep quick. This morning was horrible, all mornings are horrible. I think it might be because you expect to wake up from this horrible dream but then you realize that is not a dream, that this is reality. Every morning is the same. Also, I'm starting to scare myself. Before all of this, I did worry about my weight but the reason why I'm not eating is NOT because I want to lose weight. It's because I'm literally not hungry. Well I guess I have lost a lot of weight because my family told me "I look skinnier" and that scares me because I'm not eating well and I don't want to get sick but I'm not hungry at all, eating is such a big task and I have no energy. Sometimes I wish I could erase certain memories/thoughts from my mind like how they did in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Right now, I'm a little calmer than when I woke up but ugh everything is so weird. I don't have energy, hunger or any motivation for today. I wish this was a dream.

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