man, i know what your going through life is hard.. I couldn't of said everything you said in better way, just remember there's alot of ppl that do love you even though you think they don't just stay on your feet and don't let anything knock you down! when you feel that hole is starting to get deeper start digging in a angle towards the top! eventually you will make it out of that muddy hole you've been in forever, god doesn't want you to suffer he's testing you to see how far you will push yourself to make everything better. Trust me, i'm in a pretty tight spot myself but i'm trying everything i can to make all this better. You don't want god to take you now you still have loads of fun to have and all those ppl that have passed on passed for a reason, like one of my closest friends that died 2005 i grew up with him and he was depressed most of his life and he finally found a way to be happy he got a good girlfriend and a job and turned everything around, then.. I guess he completed gods rough course after so long. So, just work on turning everything around there's always short cuts you just have to search for them. well, i'm outta here hope i helped a bit and just like (greenpunkergirl) said if you need someone to talk to pm me we can hate life and search for those short cuts together, don't give up!