Sorry this is long.

I am having a terrible day, and it's resulted in a very major setback in my recovery.

Today was actually not too bad, then my mum came home.

I swear my mother has some very severe mental disorder though I am not sure what. It could honestly be anything from major depression, to anger management issues to a personality disorder because how she can react to things I swear is not normal.

She came home and their were wet towels in the washing machine. Apparently she had told my sister earlier that day to put them on the line or else they would start to smell. She had forgotten and gone out to see some friends and I didn't see them/know about them. She comes in the house and barrels up the stairs screaming to me:
'What was the one thing I asked you to do?!'
I stare at her blankly because I didn't know about this washing.
'PUT THE TOWELS ON THE LINE!!!!!!'
She went mental, a complete rage, it was a wonder she didn't start breaking stuff.

Now I should note, I am not a bad 'kid'. I tidy up, I help around the house, I clean up before she gets home from work, I often cook dinner, I never get in trouble, I am not rude or negligent; as they come I am a relatively good 'kid'. I say 'kid', I'm 24! And yet quite a large portion of my teens and early adulthood I have been made to feel like the most worthless piece of rubbish on the planet, as though I am no good, and that 'no other kids cause their parents this much grief!'. I've been out for shopping for dinner today, which I was going to cook, and I'd done all the washing and cleaning up from lunch. I'm currently unemployed, have been for 6 months () after a redundancy but I apply for at least 10-12 jobs a week, are part of loads of agencies and have applied to volunteer in the meanwhile; I am also running my own online shop and do quite a few physical activities so not like I sit in my room all day slobbing out.

Yes, so, she is freaking out due to these towels and how she has to wash them again, will not accept it was a simple human mistake that my sister forgot and decides that it must be us being lazy/stupid. When I said I didn't know about the towels she shouted 'Use your initiative! You want to get in the real world!' As if I'm stupid, but if I don't know they are there, why would I be looking? She then rang my sister and shrieked down the phone at her in front of all her friends, over towels! I can hear her stomping about downstairs going on about how we are lazy and she works all day to come home to a messy house. The house was not messy, it was just some towels in the washing machine, and just to add, she works a part time receptionist job 9-3pm 4 days a week and she used to still pull this 'oh I work so hard and you two are lazy' when I worked a full time, 9-6pm job with an hour and a half commute both ways (when she worked on Saturday's she would come home to a glass in the sink and act the same way).

Since then, she has been giving my sis and I the silent treatment. It makes the house so awkward, I was terrified to even cook myself some dinner, my sis can find it funny which often makes it worse :S. I finished up dinner about half an hour ago and when I went to take my plate downstairs I noticed all the lights were off, mum must be in bed. I didn't think the dishwasher was done because it was stiff to try and open and I didn't want water flying out. I rinsed my plate and put it on the side so I could clean it in the morning, not wanting to wake mum with cluttering noises. Twenty minutes later my mum swings my bedroom door open like, 'are you going to clean that up?', I'm gobsmacked, she was still awake in bed and had went to check? She says, 'no you weren't! I shouldn't have to have this conversation with you! The dishwasher is done and you didn't empty it, you just expect me to get up early and unload it!'. I tell her I didn't realise it was done and that she doesn't have to do it in the morning, I'll do it when I get up. She says,
'I do my make up by the kitchen window and I hate the smell! So no! I AM going to have to do it!'
So down stairs I go to empty the dishwasher, reload it and run the sink to do a load of dishes. I don't mind but I obviously felt upset and furious myself at the way I had been spoken to all evening. I went upstairs and did something I haven't done in nearly a year, I began burning a razor head to get the blades out and cut. Fortunately this took ages and a calmed down before I could do it and threw the razor head away.

I was just so fed up. My mum, I love her, but she has to stop this. Enough is a enough. She can act like a right ogre. I don't mind her being annoyed, or even angry but this level over trivial things? It's so unhealthy. I'm sick to the back teeth of running around terrified before she gets home from work to ensure everything is spotless and avoid a blow up; I shouldn't have to live in fear like that. I'm equally sick of being called every other word when I do miss a household task, and getting blamed for my sisters negligence like today! I'm sick of being screamed at for nothing, then being given the silent treatment, having to soothe my own 55 year old mother and not even getting an apology for the treatment afterwards!

Also, I'm frustrated with lack of communication at the moment. I was seeing a lovely guy last month, we only went on two dates but they were great and he seemed enthusiastic about something developing, I was approaching quite cautiously but he coaxed me into feeling more relaxed about the situation. He talked about me meeting his friends, coming to see his place soon, us going into London for a day and he added me on Facebook. He was the first guy since I split from my ex whom I'd actually really liked. Suddenly, radio silence. After a week I manage to get hold of him and he apologizes profusely and says his work is manic, I decide to give him some space and his Facebook was very barren for 2-3 weeks or so so it seemed to add up. Activity started again last week so I decided to drop him a text just to see how he was and how work was going........nothing. Zilch. Yet he still has me on Facebook and I can see he is online, so he's not run away, it feels really insulting, it's not hard to shoot a quick text back. I know I shouldn't care but he was the first guy I really liked in nearly a year and...gah it someways to proves to me that, yes, guys can really be full of BS.

In connection with that I sent my ex (whom I haven't spoken to in 6 months) a belated birthday email today. I want to clear some things up because I have been feeling really guilty and unsettled since we split. It's important to me. The initial message was short but I hope to have a bit more of a discussion with him. That was over 12 hours ago and still nothing.

So as you can see I already feel rejected and like a worthless piece of $h*t from most areas of my life. Really could have done without my mum flipping out to finish it off.

Ugh...what's the point. No job, no one to love, friends are miles away....like seriously what is the point.