(Trigger warning: abuse)

I had an appointment today, and we talked about some friends who had cancelled on me last minute, dissociation, and some of past trauma. I know I'm feeling sort of okay at the moment, but I also know that the therapy hangover is coming. I can feel it.

I pushed myself really hard in terms of opening up and being honest. It was actually really relieving and freeing. We talked about how I am so easily upset when people mess with plans, and how that comes from my extreme emotional sensitivity (I guess HSP's have this problem among others). And about how my sensitivity makes me a great and loyal friend, but it also makes life much more difficult. I know she was trying to convince me that being an HSP is a good thing, even though it has painful aspects. But I'm just not convinced yet. So many things are still so painful because up until recently, I just ignored and pushed away my feelings. I don't quite know how to handle them yet.

We also talked about how frustrated I am when I dissociate, and how much I feel like I'm wasting time and have no control over it. I know it's only going to go as fast as I can handle. But it's still frustrating and really overwhelming when it happens. We also talked about how I can't tell her when I feel like that and how I feel stuck and trapped in it, unable to get out of it on my own, and how I feel like I want to disappear and not draw attention to myself. And how all of that is related to the past, where I would have to disappear in order to remain safe.

And we spent about half the appointment on some past trauma. I talked about how I don't miss my father, but I do miss what he didn't give me. We talked about how he would use violence and yelling and threats to control me, and how he had absolutely no capacity to truly love or connect with me. My T thinks he was a sociopath who genuinely has no ability to feel anything fond towards others. He hated anything that interrupted him and his life, so my life as a child around him became all about him. I was "lost" in my own life. And as we talked, I actually felt really sad about it. A year ago, I would have just felt numb. But I felt this overwhelming sadness and grief a few times, although I don't allow myself to cry when I do. It is still very scary to allow it. But it is a huge indicator that I am actually getting somewhere in this trauma work stuff because I am able to be sad for myself. I think that maybe, at least a little bit, I am learning compassion for myself and what I went through.

So, over all a very good and yet very exhausting appointment. I am so ready to sleep for like a week. I feel so drained.