Thanks for your response, all of you...much needed and very much appreciated. You guys are right...there is no point in me getting stuck at this point...I know I have to move on...I am trying...I am trying to involve myself in working out my child's future, trying to find wonder in trivial daily things, learning new skills and reading...but then on the midst of it all, either through a small trigger or just like that, it all comes rushing back and cripples me with a pain and remorse that is as real as a physical blow...my own wanton conduct, the fact that there were dozens of red flags in this relationship that I chose to ignore, the casual way I decided to give up a good job and the complete childish faith that I had thinking he was out there waiting for me to start a new life together...I know what I need is a regular job and a validation of my self worth again. I am thinking of moving back to my home town and looking for a job there. Although it's going to be a huge challenge to restart I am looking at the experience as a catharsis. To answer some of the queries: Healing4me, when I said nothing is wrong with my husband I meant that as a provider he gave me a comfortable life, there was a time when he was drinking a lot but that too is over, it's just that there's no real affection or intimacy, it's all done with a sense of duty. I have never felt cherished or protected in the relationship. It's all so mechanical and lacking and yes, he's always been very indifferent to my feelings, physical comfort is not everything. There is also total lack of chemistry.
Perna as much as would like to believe it was not an affair it was...I did not have sex with the person, nor was it a "physical affair" there was very much an awareness of gender and person and much chemistry...I was looking at a future with him. He was single and said often how well suited to each other we were and was longing to make me his wife. Those of course were the good moments...mostly he said some of the most cruel things to me, what no other person has said or will say to me (I would not tolerate it) nor will he say to anyone else( he would not dare).
But you are so very very right Brainhi, I tried to make him my escape from the drudgery of an insipid relationship. I should never have done that. I should have worked in me as a person. I was good at my job. Should have built on it. Ending the marriage and went on with my life. Pity how lucid and clever one becomes at hindsight! But for now I am unhappy and suffering. I feel, despite a lovely child, there's nothing to look forward in my life any more. Thanks for the lead on ACA. Though I will have to think of a plausible reason to give my family as to why I am considering therapy. I am not very proud of my own doings and hardly think it's something worth declaring!!
This afternoon I thought I should look at it this way: imagine that person who had the affair to be someone else, leave her behind and starts as a new person and then move on...easier said than done!!!
Another question: do I fit the definition of what they call : Narcissistic supply?