You may have seen my thread that I started a while back now, discussing the cessation of my meds and the progress I was making from it. I stopped my meds on the basis of the belief that I could now understand when a relapse was beginning and possibly detect the changes in my mood that signified an upcoming depressive episode.

While I still believe that I can usually tell when things are beginning to change, I'm not entirely sure that it will happen in the same way every time and I'm starting to believe what I'm going through at the moment might be a sign that being medication-free isn't the best idea at the current moment.

I'm not feeling overly depressed but I've noticed that I'll wake up at a decent time, plough through the day and feel okay until the early evening (around 5PM or 6PM), when I'll start to feel irritable, annoyed, frustrated, exhausted and unsure of what to do myself. For the past few days this has led to me going to bed and falling asleep early in the evening before waking up at around 9 or 10 at night feeling very dazed, sad and most of all unsure of what to do. The thought of staying in bed frustrates me and the thought of getting out of bed also gets to me.

Most of the time I'm feeling damn right pee'd off!

There are fleeting thoughts of suicide and an urge to self harm which are intense at times but I wouldn't say they're constant.

Are these signs of an oncoming depressive episode that I haven't previously noticed? Or am I just being pessimistic? Or perhaps I've tried to do too many things at once (lose weight, stop smoking, study, cut down on processed foods etc).

I've ordered my medication from the pharmacy which will be ready to pick up in a couple of days but I'm not 100% sure I want to take them. I don't know why. I feel as though it would be a sign of me being weak. Maybe I just need to pull myself up and get on with it.

If I DO need to go back onto my medication, I'm not going to be overly pessimistic about the failed attempt to leave medication behind. I failed to give up smoking at least 20 times but I'm trying again with that tomorrow. At the moment I just don't really feel like taking medication but I'm not totally sure why.