(POSSIBLE TRIGGERS) Today would have been my brother's 62nd birthday. He died June 12, 2008. I don't deal well with birthdays/anniversaries (unless, of course, there is a happy association). So, in June I have to face the anniversary of his death, followed 5 days later by his birthday.
Last week in therapy, it suddenly occurred to me that I might be missing the man he never was. That I have imbued him with certain characteristics which he did not actually have. In my memories now, he is more caring than he was in reality. I have more "conversations" with him since he died, than I think I ever did when he was alive. I am bittersweet. He was a difficult person to love. I think he had undiagnosed bipolar illness. And, he was a chronic alcoholic, having started to drink at age 12. I think he must have started drinking as a way to self-medicate. His drinking resulted in a lot of problems. And, he was very, very ill with a few other diseases, for many years. Some people (me included, from time to time) think he drank as a way to slow SUI. He might still be alive today if he had stopped drinking.
But he had his good points, too. At one time in his life he was a fantastic guitarist, and when he wasn't being sarcastic-nasty, he had a good sense of humor.
When I said to my T, that I thought I was missing someone who never existed, she nodded, but didn't say anything. Does anyone else deal with missing someone this way? I don't mean in relation to one's parents. Thanks.