Forgive me if this post does not flow in an entirely linear way. It may not. But I really need to just write and get this all out. And also-- this is probably going to be long.

Today was my 2nd session with T this week. I achieved my "goal of information" and told him how seeing him twice per week would be very hard for me upon switching back to once per week at the start of my internship. He said, "Well, how do you know?" I said, "I know. Trust me. I'm brilliant. I just know." (Obviously I wasn't ready to elaborate on the reasons why). So then we did quite a bit of talking in regards to my black and white thinking patterns, how seeing the children playing outside today depressed me, and how I related to my husband in what I see as a pathetic, needy, attached fashion (anyone catching on to a pattern here?) So then we get to the point of the session in which there's like 5 minutes left. He asks me again what I want to do about scheduling, since I had brought up the whole thing of 2x per week being more hurtful (in the near future) than helpful. He said that if it really did have a negative effect when we went back to once per week, that would be something we could really explore. So then I start getting pissed because I'm thinking-- yeah, we get to explore something at my %#@&#! expense. So I analogized it for him-- I said it was like doing a chemistry experiment with two chemicals that you knew would cause a distaster-- but you do it anyway just to see what would happen. I said to him, "It's just like-- Hey! Here's some boric acid! Let's mix it with hairspray and then light it on fire, and afterwards, we can talk about what happened!" T asked me how I knew there would be an explosion. Again, I said, "Trust me. I know." Then he said, "Well, if you are sure, then you must be right." And then I got even madder. Then he said, "It sounds like there are a lot of issues surrounding you coming here twice per week, and then receding back to once per week. We might need to explore those before you make a decision." Well. I could have killed him right then and there. At 5 PM this afternoon, I could have killed him. Four days earlier at 5 PM, I wanted to jump in his lap. So, I'm sitting there, just glaring down at the floor, intermittenly focusing on the cap to my water bottle. There was complete silence in the room, and then T says, "You know, you can talk about throwing that water bottle at me. You can't actually do it, but you can talk about it."

I hated him right then and there for always knowing exactly what I'm thinking.

Another time, and I would have loved that he knows what I'm thinking... my patterns, my extremes.

Then he suggests making the next appointment for next Tuesday, exactly one week away. He said it might be worth it to explore how it would feel to not come twice per week since I feel like it's going to have too negative of an effect on me down the road. I said, fine. Next Tuesday, fine. He told me to write everything down in the next week. Write down every single thing of how it feels to not be there twice in the week. And bring it in on Tuesday.

So then I said I would. But at this point, I was so %#@&#! mad I couldn't even see straight. I stood up, he said, "see you next week" and I just said "bye" and walked straight out. Normally when we end the session is the one time I will actually make eye contact with him and say thank you. Not this time. I almost slammed his door into the wall when I opened it to leave, I was so filled with emotion. I sort of stormed out of the room and stomped down the stairs. I had never acted like that in there before. I felt like I was five years old, but I didn't care. Besides, we just spent a great amount of the session talking about how I do feel like a child a lot of the time.

By the time I got downstairs and was walking to the bus stop, I seriously felt like attacking someone. When I get really angry, my blood seriously boils. It's the time that is most dangerous for me because I lose that split second in my mind that normally should show up right before a behavior occurs. But it doesn't. The behavior just happens. This is normally when I have thrown things, broken things, injured myself and not even realized until afterwards how much I had, and other related stuff. I couldn't even stand to look at anyone on the street. Everyone looked so annoying and happy, I seriously wanted to smack someone. In my mind, I was cursing out my T.

He asked me something at the end of the session (cannot remember what it was), but I remember my answer being, "No. Because I can only feel one feeling at a time." And he shook his head no. He said, "I think there are 2 feelings going on here right now." Right now it is scary because of the extreme feelings I am having towards him. I almost feel like I hate him. But at the same time I know I feel like this because I am so %#@&#! attached to him. When I get angry with someone, they turn "bad" to me. Now I feel like if something were to happen this week, I cannot call him. It's a lonely feeling. I say how much I want things on my terms. Please. I'm completely at the mercy of the emotions and decisions of those who I have formed attachments to.

This is exactly why I want to be alone.

I hate being alone.

This is such a disconnect from what I felt last Friday. I felt like for once it was sort of okay to need him like I do. Today, I feel like he pushed me away. Did I push myself away? I always do, somehow.

I hate him tonight.

There isn't much insight on my part, in this post. The insight will come later. First I had to get it all out, and let my unconscious speak for a bit.