Quote:
Originally Posted by skies
Some of you might have seen my recent posts about feeling like i'm going to die without my therapist (and i'm sorry if they get annoying-it's just that I frequently feel like that way because of pre-verbal separation issues).
Anyway, on Sunday I reached out to him via text. He responded with some interpretations. I got angry with him and texted back a couple of sarcastic (angry) messages. I also asked if I could come over his house  which is so embarrassing to me now.
I told him today that i was mad about his responses because I needed warmth and comfort, while the clinical interpretations seemed cold. But it feels like being angry was being verbally abusive at the same time. No, I didn't call him names or swear, but I was sarcastic and angry.
Is it better to be honest and be a jerk with your therapist, or would you hold back? (or maybe you're never a jerk like me!) I told him I thought it was ok since he wanted to know how I felt all of the time. It would seem dishonest to not express myself honestly. My last therapist accepted me when I was at my worst, and I am still grateful for this.
I feel so incredibly bad about this-not guilty, but remorseful/repentant. He is so good to me and so kind. I am glad I feel safe enough to show him my bad side, and he doesn't get reactive. He was not judgmental.
Can anyone relate?
I know I could have said this with fewer words. I just feel TERRIBLE about the way I acted.  Or am I overreacting about the way I reacted? Dissenting opinions ok...
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I understand it.
I do this angry texting/emailing to my T a lot...to the point that she has forbidden me to be able to text or email anymore. And she says if I fight with her in session/get angry with her/accuse her of not caring-basically if i behave like a borderline-she won't see me anymore.
...I used to think the fear of abandonment was the worst thing, but she pretty much did terminate me (but accepted me back conditionally) and I think I feel relieved. Now I don't have to suspect that shes going to leave me, or wonder what it will take to push her away, or be afraid to tell her the bad things I've done- I already know for certain that she can and will walk away from me, I know the mean texts/emails make her furious, I know she couldn't possibly like me any less. So I'm free to really be who I am, instead of trying to be a "nice" person she can like.
Our therapists are only human, and eventually they will break if we don't stop assaulting them.