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Old Jun 17, 2014, 03:10 PM
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InRealLife45 InRealLife45 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Jun 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,430
Quote:
Originally Posted by skies View Post
Some of you might have seen my recent posts about feeling like i'm going to die without my therapist (and i'm sorry if they get annoying-it's just that I frequently feel like that way because of pre-verbal separation issues).

Anyway, on Sunday I reached out to him via text. He responded with some interpretations. I got angry with him and texted back a couple of sarcastic (angry) messages. I also asked if I could come over his house which is so embarrassing to me now.

I told him today that i was mad about his responses because I needed warmth and comfort, while the clinical interpretations seemed cold. But it feels like being angry was being verbally abusive at the same time. No, I didn't call him names or swear, but I was sarcastic and angry.

Is it better to be honest and be a jerk with your therapist, or would you hold back? (or maybe you're never a jerk like me!) I told him I thought it was ok since he wanted to know how I felt all of the time. It would seem dishonest to not express myself honestly. My last therapist accepted me when I was at my worst, and I am still grateful for this.

I feel so incredibly bad about this-not guilty, but remorseful/repentant. He is so good to me and so kind. I am glad I feel safe enough to show him my bad side, and he doesn't get reactive. He was not judgmental.

Can anyone relate?

I know I could have said this with fewer words. I just feel TERRIBLE about the way I acted. Or am I overreacting about the way I reacted? Dissenting opinions ok...
I understand it.

I do this angry texting/emailing to my T a lot...to the point that she has forbidden me to be able to text or email anymore. And she says if I fight with her in session/get angry with her/accuse her of not caring-basically if i behave like a borderline-she won't see me anymore.

...I used to think the fear of abandonment was the worst thing, but she pretty much did terminate me (but accepted me back conditionally) and I think I feel relieved. Now I don't have to suspect that shes going to leave me, or wonder what it will take to push her away, or be afraid to tell her the bad things I've done- I already know for certain that she can and will walk away from me, I know the mean texts/emails make her furious, I know she couldn't possibly like me any less. So I'm free to really be who I am, instead of trying to be a "nice" person she can like.

Our therapists are only human, and eventually they will break if we don't stop assaulting them.
Thanks for this!
Aloneandafraid