I'm so nervous to see my T this Thursday. I saw her last week and everything was good. I was on cloud nine telling her about the certification program I'm in to start furthering my education and get my degree. I'm in clinicals right now and I saw her right after my first day of clinicals last week. I don't know if I hide it well or if she is going to think I'm crazy or maybe I'm just being dramatic and don't realize it..but I just feel completely angry and down and frustrated all at once. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs on the inside and can't express it on the outside. I can't stand taking breaks or sitting down. I can't just stop my bulimia as I so want to. I just want to stop...I was able to stop drinking, but I can't seem to do the same with binging and purging. I have been doing so for 14 years. No telling the havoc I'm reeking on my body by now. My T has been so patient and helpful..I have been somewhat successful with cutting down on binging and purging. I can stop for a few days, but I always start back and feel like a complete failure. I'm learning better eating habits and strategies. I just don't want her to get inpatient with me or make her disappointed...she hasn't given me any signs or said anything to make any of these fears be true. I just think they are true in my head. The point I'm getting to is I think I'm reaching some sort of huge emotional crossroads and I don't know how to convey it to my T. I'm wondering if I need to seriously look into checking myself in an inpatient psychiatric facility of some kind. I still have contemplating thoughts of suicide..like my mind is reminding me that it is still a viable option when it shouldn't be. I just want to get better. I don't want suicide to be a viable option for me. I don't want to have a cardiac arrest from my electrolytes being imbalanced..I don't want to end up in some vegetative state because I binged and purged myself into that state..I don't want to lose my teeth..I don't want to end up on a feeding tube or end up with a colostomy bag. I just don't want to be in this same state in another 14 years.