I'm new here. I'm 26 years old, and though I haven't been formally diagnosed as a borderline, I'm 100% positive that I have had the disorder since I was nineteen. That's when I remember my life beginning its slow and steady collapse. I have every hallmark of a borderline-intense mood swings going from loving someone to wanting to kill them, I find myself dissasociating (especially in the early mornings, I often will wake up and think i'm hearing my mom's voice yelling at me or think I hear people calling me), I have anxiety and paranoia to the extreme, and up until a year ago, I had a long, long string of intense but meaningless romantic relationships. Think being with up to eight different men in the span of six months.

I have totaled two cars (both while in a diss-associative state) and rely heavily on my parents, best friend and boyfriend for emotional approval. At this point I don't know any emotions besides extreme rage, anger, sadness, lust and extreme guilt. I literally cannot remember the last time I felt joy or true happiness I cannot take criticism and am terrified of my boyfriend leaving me because I am too much work. I cling to him and I feel that he is starting to realize just how desperately needy I am.

All throughout my young adult 'formulative' years I felt empty, as though there was a huge hole and vacuum in me that could never be filled. I tried so hard to fill it. With drugs, with sex, with approval from my parents that I never got (never finished college and after that my family slowly gave up on me ever being the shining example they so desperately wanted-over the years their sadness has turned into anger, bitterness and frustration).

I've always been terrified of my mother (not because she was a bad one but because she herself has serious control issues), so early on I learned to lie and say what she thought she wanted to hear and now it's just become a huge, terrible habit.

I've almost lost my boyfriend over it twice, and he's the only person who does not judge me or expect me to be anything better than what I am. I've cheated on him once and lost his respect. I don't know why he's still with me. He says he really cares about me, but it's difficult to imagine that ANYONE could honestly love a person like myself, especially when I can't even do that.

I think what worries me most about being a borderline are my deep emotional valleys, my extreme paranoia and the way that I can be absolutely ruthless and cutting with my wit and methods to keep from being abandoned. I've been in one of these emotional valleys for almost a year now, so i've shut off my ability to allow myself to care for anyone besides my dog. With my mom alway so critical of me I keep my emotions bottled up until someone (normally mom-she has no filter and will follow me up to my room, screaming at me about my problems and get in my face and not leave) just pushes one button too many and I lash out at her, usually with words and a terrible consequence.

Times like those have landed me in the situation I am currently in.

I've just had my life.......ruined by this disorder and I'm stuck in a vicious cycle that I haven't been able to break for eight years now. Nothing changes, and I just become a worse person. I feel like my soul is dead and I won't lie and say that dying doesn't sound like a bad option, because in the past year, destroying myself has been always slightly to the left in my mind. It's never left. A person can only take so much before they snap for good........and I'm just about there.