I think you are being too hard on yourself. You had an emotional affair, which maybe wasn't the best thing to do, but it's not that bad in the scheme of things. And the other posters are right -- you aren't ever going to know why this guy did what he did. Ugh, I had a long term lover disappear and it drove me crazy for a year, wondering why it ended so suddenly, begging him to tell me. You are on the right track, not sending him any more messages. It just takes a lot of time...

Does your husband have any idea how unhappy you are in your marriage? What would he do or say if you told him how close you came to leaving him for another man?