I don't know what to do. I feel stupid and foolish for trying to open up to her. I feel like I am being rejected and abandoned by her because I am not improving fast enough. I don't want to deal with this trauma anymore. I hate that I need her and can't just walk away when I feel upset, yet I also don't want to ever see her again. I want to just give her all my feelings, good and bad, and walk away and live life numb. At least I'm not in pain that way. Or take them all and lock them back up in a chest with padlocks and chains and then get rid of the keys, never open them up again. I am an idiot for thinking she could ever care, for considering the possibility that things could get better, and for wasting my money and time trying. I hate myself and my stupidity, and for not learning from my past well enough. All this pain is what I get for trying to change anything. I'm a failure and I need to just learn to accept my lot in life.