Dear Motown Johnny: I've felt similar things- does this ever end? Am I doomed to constantly questions, minute by minute, whether or not I am a good person? I too feel as though I am strapped to some self-flagellating machine that runs endlessly on a loop of illness, acting out, shame, guilt, and brief respite before it sucks me into the gears, again.

What really stood out for me is that you just fought with a family member. Also, how it is difficult to escape the roles every family assigns to its members (they are used to you being/acting x or y, etc).

Family arguments are absolutely one of my own triggers, and the fallout of guilt and anger can last for days. When you attempt to change, this can threaten them, and conflict can increase. Just wonder if your thoughts of "will this ever change?" are what naturally blooms out from this trigger for you...

Forgive my assumptions/if my comments are too personal.

Hang in there - the ups and downs are kind of par for the course. In my own case, therapy, keeping med compliant, and trying to keep my health have made a difference. But, ***** still comes out of nowhere and blind sides me every now & then. I guess that's part of mental illness (thanks, universe!).

Please take care; hope you post follow up & tell how you are faring.

Best - Bolivar