going to see T in 2 hours. am so nervous. always get like this before i go. dont know what to talk about. its not like i dont think and journal and self analyse between sessions but i end off having to look through all those thoughts before i go to see if ANY of them are about things i can actually talk about. or even if theres somewhere i can start to take a small risk. every session is like trying to force myself to take just one more tiny risk. but they re so tiny!! when does it get easy and no longer a risk to just talk for gods sake!?! sigh. i think i ll ask her if its ok to just talk about whats on my mind even if i dont know what use it is to talk about it. i imagine i dont need 'an agenda' in mentioning something do i? its ok to just talk about something for the sake of talking about it rather than needing a reason to say everything?
i guess i also want to talk to her about the conversation we had last week after the session. about the connection in that.
i dont like what im wearing. might have to change. sigh. not sure what to change into though.
the journalling ive done this week is waaaaay too personal to share. i did want to journal on some less difficult stuff and maybe show that to her but i didnt get round to it.
maybe the risk i take this week will be to talk about my smoking stuff recently and feeling so spaced out because of it and what thoughts and realisations thats brought up. thats a pretty big risk. or at least it feels like it. what if she gets mad? what if she demands i stop? what if she wont talk to me until i do? what if she makes me go somewhere? what if shes upset with me? argh. shutting up now.
ok shutting up in a second. maybe i should do some relaxation stuff before i go? breathing and such? that would calm me down but maybe it would take the edge off the anxiety too and that would mean i dont push myself so it could be a total waste of a session? is it better to be calm going in or in touch with what im feeling? which is anxiety at the moment. and shame. and vulnerability. and disgust. and fear. and frustration. and a bit of anger. and desperation. sigh again.