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pinksoil said:
Forgive me if this post does not flow in an entirely linear way. It may not. But I really need to just write and get this all out. And also-- this is probably going to be long.

That's okay, I've done this to all of you!

Today was my 2nd session with T this week. I achieved my "goal of information" and told him how seeing him twice per week would be very hard for me upon switching back to once per week at the start of my internship. He said, "Well, how do you know?" I said, "I know. Trust me. I'm brilliant. I just know." (Obviously I wasn't ready to elaborate on the reasons why).

Is one of the reasons because your afraid that 2x per week will make you more attached and then it will feel like it is painful for you to cut back when you intern?

So then we get to the point of the session in which there's like 5 minutes left.

You know, the minute I read this sentence I could feel your anxiety because I also hate the feeling that I am about to be left uncomfortable until next session.

He asks me again what I want to do about scheduling, since I had brought up the whole thing of 2x per week being more hurtful (in the near future) than helpful. He said that if it really did have a negative effect when we went back to once per week, that would be something we could really explore. So then I start getting pissed because I'm thinking-- yeah, we get to explore something at my %#@&#! expense.

How would you know if 2x a week or weekly is right for you without some trial and error? Would you have felt rejected if he immediately said weekly or god forbid every other week like my T said last time to me?

So I analogized it for him-- I said it was like doing a chemistry experiment with two chemicals that you knew would cause a distaster-- but you do it anyway just to see what would happen. I said to him, "It's just like-- Hey! Here's some boric acid! Let's mix it with hairspray and then light it on fire, and afterwards, we can talk about what happened!" T asked me how I knew there would be an explosion.

I love this analogy, can I borrow it today????

Again, I said, "Trust me. I know." Then he said, "Well, if you are sure, then you must be right." And then I got even madder. Then he said, "It sounds like there are a lot of issues surrounding you coming here twice per week, and then receding back to once per week. We might need to explore those before you make a decision."

I kind of agree (don't kill me yet!) This is what I want to do for myself too. Stay at twice per week until I feel ready to reduce. My decision was kind of made for me unless today's session brews something different. I guess it hurts either way doesn't it?

Well. I could have killed him right then and there. At 5 PM this afternoon, I could have killed him. Four days earlier at 5 PM, I wanted to jump in his lap. So, I'm sitting there, just glaring down at the floor, intermittenly focusing on the cap to my water bottle. There was complete silence in the room, and then T says, "You know, you can talk about throwing that water bottle at me. You can't actually do it, but you can talk about it."

This is very profound. I wish my T would go here...

I hated him right then and there for always knowing exactly what I'm thinking.

I totally understand this thought.

Then he suggests making the next appointment for next Tuesday, exactly one week away. He said it might be worth it to explore how it would feel to not come twice per week since I feel like it's going to have too negative of an effect on me down the road.

I think this makes sense. What else could you both try and do differently and still get the same result?

So then I said I would. But at this point, I was so %#@&#! mad I couldn't even see straight. I stood up, he said, "see you next week" and I just said "bye" and walked straight out. Normally when we end the session is the one time I will actually make eye contact with him and say thank you. Not this time. I almost slammed his door into the wall when I opened it to leave, I was so filled with emotion. I sort of stormed out of the room and stomped down the stairs. I had never acted like that in there before. I felt like I was five years old, but I didn't care. Besides, we just spent a great amount of the session talking about how I do feel like a child a lot of the time.

I think it's good you did this. You are being you and that is what you need to do.

By the time I got downstairs and was walking to the bus stop, I seriously felt like attacking someone. When I get really angry, my blood seriously boils. It's the time that is most dangerous for me because I lose that split second in my mind that normally should show up right before a behavior occurs. But it doesn't. The behavior just happens. This is normally when I have thrown things, broken things, injured myself and not even realized until afterwards how much I had, and other related stuff. I couldn't even stand to look at anyone on the street. Everyone looked so annoying and happy, I seriously wanted to smack someone. In my mind, I was cursing out my T.

I'm sorry Pinksoil. I feel your frustration and trust me everyone around you has their own cross to bear you just can't see it behind the laughing and smiling...

Now I feel like if something were to happen this week, I cannot call him. It's a lonely feeling. I say how much I want things on my terms. Please. I'm completely at the mercy of the emotions and decisions of those who I have formed attachments to.

Me too my dear. Me too. You'll recall my 'sent my T a fax post last week'....giggle. I hated myself later for what I saw as being a weak person and faxing my feelings across town!!! But this is how it is all unfolding for me. I think you can call him if you need to. If you feel too much pain over this session, call!!!!

This is exactly why I want to be alone.
I hate being alone.

I think about being alone all the time. I try to think about what my life would be like alone. I'd be more obsessive not less. I'd be sitting and staring at the TV or listening to ITunes all day long and stewing...stewing...spiraling...I would journal what you think being alone would mean to you. It might help.

This is such a disconnect from what I felt last Friday. I felt like for once it was sort of okay to need him like I do. Today, I feel like he pushed me away. Did I push myself away? I always do, somehow.

I know exactly what you mean here. At first, when he didn't mention 2x per week you were thinking he didn't care if I remember. Then he brought it up last time and you all decided to try it. What I see today is maybe you were pushing him away so he could see what that feels like? I feel like doing that to my T....it's almost like I want him to feel the pain I feel when he pushes me away or I perceive that he is. Could this be it?

There isn't much insight on my part, in this post. The insight will come later. First I had to get it all out, and let my unconscious speak for a bit.

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I see plenty of insight....plenty