[quote=Leah123;3819352]Do you pay her for the email contact?

I don't believe clients should have the expectation of free services from a therapist. Some do provide those services for free, and some will reply to an occasional crisis situation for free, but to keep the relationship healthy and balanced, mutually beneficial, I'd suggest you offer to pay for the extra services you want to receive. I agree your wants are valid and I personally find email very helpful in therapy.

It does sound like you may need a different therapist though, because this one, like many, isn't offering the level of availability you want. If it's been many years with her, you may also want to evaluate your overall progress with her. Either way, I think compensation for time is critical to a good therapeutic relationship.



Hi Leah,

I'm glad you mentioned payment. I had recently thought about this also as a potential reason why my t might not want email contact with me like she used to. She told me once that I sometimes bring up questions or issues in my email that she can't always provide a quick or detailed answer for. Maybe it takes her more time than I realize to respond.

I tried to acknowledge this by saying "I understand that you are probably willing to provide extra support, but you want me to pay for it." I didn't mean it in a snarky way, I was trying to acknowledge that Hey, I realize this is what you do for a living (even though it's sometimes hard for me to view it that way because it makes me fear that she doesn't really care about me as a person). But she took it the wrong way, as me saying "You are only in it for the money." She told me my comment was very hurtful to her. (It was the first time she has ever told me that I said or did anything that hurt or bothered her.) Since then, we've talked it over and reached an understanding, and that part is OK. But perhaps it still would be a good idea for me to offer to pay her for her services?? But I need to word it in a way that conveys that I appreciate the value of her help and that I don't expect any more "freebies."

You make a valid point too about the need for me to be able to contain my own distress. I admit it is a super hard thing for me to do!! I was raised never to express feelings like anger or disappointment or fear or pain. I was yelled at or threatened with punishment when I did. So I got very, very good at not having negative emotions at all. It sounds odd, but true. For decades, I didn't get angy or upset with anybody, didn't confront people when I felt hurt, allowed myself to be taken advantage of and sought to forgive, gave people "the benefit of the doubt" when they were displaying obvious signs of abusive treatment, etc. And I honestly thought I wasn't disturbed about those things at all. I let them roll off my back. I didn't express upset or expect or demand better treatment. I worried more about upsetting them than about what I needed. And I think it must be deep rooted because I can recall a time when I was about 7 years old and I took a spanking for my friend, who had picked all of her mom's peony bulbs. I told her mom I did it and took the spanking because she looked so scared and I didn't want her to hurt.

So, fast forward to my major breakdown about 10 years ago. My mind just kind of imploded I guess. I got really sick, lost tons of weight, couldn't get out of bed for 2-3 weeks. It's all kind of a blur now. I had no idea what was wrong or what had caused it until I went to therapy and was told I had clinical depression. Since then, I have loads of emotions that I've stuffed away since childhood coming back to me. They feel intense and terrifying, and I'm truly frightened of the feelings themselves. I never learned how to manage emotions as a kid, which is why I stuffed them down. And now that they are suddenly back in full force, I feel just as upended and scared and rattled as I did then when the emotiions hit me. Most of the time, I feel numb. But when the emotions come up, they feel (I know it's stupid) life threatening. Like I'm a little girl who has been left all alone in the face of danger, and nobody is around to help. Or like I am going to go crazy. I have been through DBT before, and my t and I are doing it again, and I TOTALLY understand how badly I need to learn the skills. But I seem to function best when I push all my pain to the background, bury it like I used to do. Then I can function without my t's support. But she says I need to learn to feel the emotions and ride them out. And that's where I get into trouble.

I don't want to find a different t because aside from the email situation, she's very committed to helping me and knowledgable. My husband says he has seen huge improvement in me since I started therapy 10 years ago. So I know I'm progressing. But it feels unbearably slow, I feel frustrated with myself, don't know how to shake the fearful neediness when it comes up, and kick myself that despite knowing I'm intelligent, that I seem to be lacking in some very basic "something" that allows other people to maintain self-composure in times of stress and feel confident that they can manage their lives themselves without someone else to rely on.