Hi Hankster,

Thanks for replying. I agree that something is amiss in the therapy relationship, and I think both my t and I agree on this and are stumped as to how to move forward. I don't think I have adequately shared how much I have progressed in therapy. I've been able to change many things since I began working with her. I am much more able to express my feelings now, I can stand up for myself at work and at home when I need to, request a promotion and give evidence why I deserve it, and handle conflict when it arises with my husband or a friend by approaching them about it, rather than ignore it like I used to do. I have more self-confidence than I used to, although I still need to work on my constant second guessing myself! Even though I still feel the need for more support from my t than she can give me, I have learned some ways to manage my distress that work, as long as the pain doesn't get too great, such as deep slow breathing, visualizations, sitting in my massage chair, distracting with physical activiities like gardening, and refocusing from my own pain to helping other people, which I like doing and it makes me feel good doing that. My husband says I've made great strides. The ONLY part of my therapy that feels stuck and is not moving forward is the issue of needing between session email contact. I can't seem to move past the feeling that I NEED it and that not having it feels like a deprivatioin I can't tolerate! It doesnt' make sense logically, I know that. And I am trying to accommodate to not emailing, but it feels so terribly hard!

So I don't think that the therapy isn't working or hasn't helped. I just think I'm stuck at this big hurdle. My t tells me that the problem is not really about her, but about my feelings of deprivation and abandonment in childhood. . and that until I'm willing (and able to tolerate) confronting those traumatic experiences, facing them and coping with the pain, I will just keep getting trigggered in the present by what feels like rejections and abandonments by her. This makes SENSE to me, as I've done some reading on past trauma and how it continues to get triggered in the present (think of war vets when they hear a car backfire). I get where my t is coming from. But the problem is this: It is precisely AT those times when we attempt to contact and process those traumas of the past in my session that I have trouble coping the following week and need that email contact from my t. As long as we DON'T do the deeper work and I DON'T get too stirred up in session, I can manage myself between sessions. I don't need extra support. If we stay on easier subjects in my session that don't access my deep pain, then I do fine. But the flip side is that I never do process those old traumas and so they keep popping up here and there as present-day triggers that unleash the old unprocessed pain.

Since I decided to stop emailing and not ask for extra support from my t, I also put the deeper painful work on hold. To me, that seems the only way for me to continue therapy without being too demanding of t's time or having difficulty coping myself between sessions. That is how I CAN accommodate the new boundaries. But like I said, it has changed the feel of the therapy relationship in that it feels more superficial and distant, and like the important things are not being worked on because it brings up the conflict around the need for Support.

Maybe I just need MORE DBT skills. . .eat them. . .sleep them. . . live them. . .until I get stronger to cope on my own without needing so much support.

My t approached the issue of meeting twice per week with me, but my husband is much opposed to this, believing that I need to become stronger myself so that I need my t LESS instead of MORE.

I guess I should admit too that I have a problem with accepting support in session. I feel unworthy often to ask for what I need, whether it is to do a certain visualization or exercise or ask for a hug when needed. I hate asking for help and feel ashamed, stupid, and childish. So I'm afraid I have this habit of going to session, NOT being able to ask for what I really need, and then leaving session without having gotten what I need, and then feeling needy and wanting the between-session contact. In a very real sense, a part of me is terrified of attachment or emotional closesness. The only way I seem to be able to get it is from that "informal contact" of email.

Sometimes I feel so hopeless, like I'm such a wreck, pretending to the outside world that I am a strong, capable, confident woman who doesn't need anyone or anything. . .when inside I feel like the opposite. Nobody in my life other than my husband and t, know how many issues I have and how much they cause me suffering. I can "play the part" so well. But that's just it -- I'm pretending to have all those inner qualities that adults need to function in this world, but I actually lack many of them. It's exhausting keeping up this front. . .exhausting having to hide who I really am inside because I know it's not normal.