Once again I struggle, but I come here to write it out in hopes it will help. Writing it out helps a little because it slows down my mind. Also getting the feedback from others helps and I appreciate the community even though I do not often help as much as I would like to.

Lately I'm just in that position where my feelings are not in sync with my life. I'm told I'm invaluable to my work, but I feel useless and horrible. I feel like I shouldn't be alive, but I want to live and be with my family. These are like the dialectics in DBT, which I should go back to remembering to do. It's just so much work to keep up with techniques to keep my mind calm.

The other day I spelled everything my mind thought to keep myself from having trouble thinking too far ahead in the day. I spelled every color I saw and when I wasn't thinking words, I spelled my counting from one to four and back. I even tried counting in another language just to keep my brain occupied (German, Spanish, Japanese). The exercise worked, but was tiring and left me worn out even though I was just starting my day.

I guess that is my frustration over and over again. To stay in the fight, I have to fight a hard and exhausting battle. I can do this and it will make me tired (a dialectic). I now turn my mind to accept this reality and that it is not approval of the reality, only acceptance.

I want to tell someone that I'm having hurtful thoughts about myself, but I am afraid. I don't have a plan and do not intend to do anything to harm myself. It's just as we all know our minds wander and my mind likes to wander to places. In reality I believe I am imagining a fake world where I exist, but not in the current world. I exist as an observer and not as an actor in the world. I exist without responsibility and without consequence. There is so much relief in that thought, but because it is unobtainable, I then struggle....not accepting reality again.

I chose to cope because not coping will be worse. I'm not sure if this really helped, but I tried. I also tried to not be alone and shared my thoughts. I wish I had a way to get into group therapy, but the only options are too late after work (after an already exhausting day commuting and working). For some reason I feel like it might help to be around others who are struggling even though I hate being around other people. I guess i just hate being around those who hide their struggles and appear to be coping fine.