I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been more depressed than I have in a very long time. Usually I get some mania everyday but over the last week I haven't had any. I feel useless. I'm getting angry and anxious for no reason. My meds have always been able to help me but lately nothing. For some reason I'm not even taking them half the time. My family is very back and forth on this whole depression medication thing. So sometimes I believe it's really a chemical imbalance and then sometimes I don't believe it at all. I'm even taking things out on my son. Not abusive I just don't care. I want to cry so bad but over the last three years I've been convinced, and I don't know by who, that crying is bad. Not to mention I don't want to do it in front of my son. The biggest problem is that I can't find a job. I've screwed up so many jobs because of my anxiety taking over and thus getting me to leave that I don't have a great resume. Even school is getting hard for me to do. My back is killing me too. Needing surgery is annoying but because of people I know who have gotten worse after surgery I am terrified to do it. I just feel so alone. Generally I don't like friends, I don't want them. I need to fix myself before I can commit to helping anyone else. But that's all I do. I put everyone in my life needs above myself. Yet I feel like crap and it isn't getting better. I had therapy yesterday but didn't go because I don't feel my therapist is helping at all. I need a new one but then I feel bad if I go to another one at the same clinic. I don't like hurting people. I put so much pressure on my family and boyfriend, even my son. I just don't want to do this anymore. I know that giving up is bad and it won't help but I don't know what else to do. Sure Friday I go to my psych but she'll just up or change my meds and I hate waiting to see if they kick in or work. I turn to the people on here expecting help and understanding but I just feel like all I'm doing is *****ing and that's one thing I hate doing. I know people in this world have it worse than I do. I want to help others but it's just not working. What do I do? I want it to get better. Even if it's slowly but that isn't working either. *sigh*