well let me start off by saying that i lost my grandmother and my 20 year old 2 months from eachother in 2002. My grandmother had been bery sick that year and her body gave up on 7/10/02. I had not been to see her that earlier that week because in some way i couldn't face the fact that she was already unresponsive. anyway on the day i decide to go my mother, aunt, husband, brother and son were there. the doctor told us that she would not lice past that night. so everyone left the room except for me. i brushed my hadn through her soft hair and whispered in her ear that i loved her, that we all loved her, and that she can go in peace. right after my grandmother took her last breath and passed away right in front of my face. my grandmother was more like my mother since i had lived her most of my life. so the doctor came in and he closed the curtain with me inside, checked all over for a pulse and told me that she had "expired". it was very difficult but what kept me strong was knowing that she was no longer suffering. 2 months later my cousin who was more like a brother to me committed suicide 5 days before his 21st birthday. i was a nightclub when my husband got the call. they did not want to tell me direclty because they knew how much i love my cousin. well we drive off in silence and then my husband who was already teary eyed pulled over in a remote location and we all get out. we were with other famiy members, and he had a hard time teliing me and when he did i went crazy. i couldn't understand it, because my cousin never suffered from mental illness, in fact he had for a period of time been running away from someone who wanted to kill him (gang related). his girlfriend was pregnant and he was very excited about the baby and he was working and all was good. his girlfriend (whom i was not fond of) said they had an argument and she stepped out of the room and when she came back she found him. he had hung himself. an autopsy was done and they said that it was suicide. said that he snapped his neck instantly so he did not suffer and suffocation.

i have not been able to get over my cousins death. it haunts me everyday. i miss him so much. i think about him everyday. i don't know what to do not to think about him. deep in my heart i cannot accept that he did it. there was no note that we know of and to top it all of his daughter's mother is a tramp, which we have gotten to see in these years.

anyway i miss him and my grandmother very much and it really saddens me on certain days because there are so many moments that i wanted to share with them and couldn't and so many to come and they will not be there.

sorry for the long post having a sad day today