With all due respect for those blasting the husband for telling his wife how much hurt he is feeling and saying why does he stick around then, it seems like a double standard to tell someone who has bpd with strong abandonment issues that her husband should just up and leave her if he would just man up and stop whining.

The OP says she and her husband love each other a great deal. I say again that if he is committed to staying with her, as I am to my own husband, then hopefully he will receive therapy for himself as well as perhaps them both attending marital counseling.

What I have learned is that both my husband and I had things to learn about living with bpd. He needed to learn where his responsibility lay which was in his verbal and emotional abuse (not pretty to hear, but that is what it was), possessiveness, and paranoia that he took out on me, and I needed to learn how to be honest to him about how painful it was to be on the receiving end of his behaviors and learn to be more consistent about standing up for myself rather than walking on eggshells around him to try to keep him calm. Both of us needed to change our behaviors in order for things to improve; the change couldn't just lie on one of our shoulders, and things are improving now that the communication has opened up on both ends.

Did my husband mean to be hurtful to me? Absolutely not. Far from it. I knew that and that is why I was willing all these years to stand by him, probably much like the OP's husband. A lot of damage was done over the years, but I was certain we could find a way to work through it and move past it. Isn't that kind of loyalty and honor of marriage and relationship valuable? When we finally really starting talking about the strain the dynamic was having on both of us, we both made changes that helped the situation dramatically.

Making those changes has not been easy and has taken many, many years, but the work was well worth it. But telling the husband to man up and stop whining just isn't appropriate or helpful to either party here. His hurt and pain is as valid as the OP's. Both of them have work to do, but it is possible to make real changes in their relationship and interactions that will be healing to both of them.

Allme, don't run scared of your husband's pain. Instead, let it be an opening for real honest communication about how each of you is feeling. Encourage him to take care of himself by perhaps seeing a therapist on his own, and discuss seeing someone to help you work together on the dynamics in your relationship that are painful for both of you.