thanks. I think there's an element of that: repeating patterns of emotional abandonment from my past, but in an email he sort of admitted he had reacted defensively, calling it 'immediacy'. Its not really the idea of rejection that's so hard for me now, its mostly that I have made this big realisation about myself that really want to share with him, but until I see him its impossible to say if our relationship is the same and I can talk about those things.