I think you girls will be proud! I did manage to get out a lot of the thoughts I wanted to say today.

As soon as I arrived, he discussed my fax that I sent. He said that he was going to call and had to re-think it because then I might keep writing and calling which could become somewhat of a cycle.

If guess what I am learning here is that if he gives in to calling me between sessions then I won't learn to manage these feelings myself and become more independent. I should've asked though if I felt very of control can I call? I forgot to go there. I think the answer is yes because I've called before twice and he called back both times.

As for the attachment, I managed to say that it appears that he is uncomfortable at some of what I say and he changes the subject. He said that he is in no way uncomfortable and he loves that I am saying and doing what I am because it shows that I am working on all of this in between sessions. This is as close as I could get to "do you not want to engage in the transference with me"...maybe I can next time?

I asked him if my attachment scared him and he said no and kind of laughed in a good way.

I also told him that I felt some inconsistency in his analysis as to whether or not I'm getting better. One week, he thinks I am getting better and then next not so much. I feel like I have accomplished a lot in a year but the last few months have been rough...he agreed.

I also said that I'm nowhere near ready to talk about graduating therapy and is that what he expects, short term therapy? He said no that he and I make decisions about my sessions and outcome.

I forgot to ask why then he suggested 2x per week and then pulled it away. But I did tell him what effect this had on me.
I felt like he finally cared and then it was taken away. He said "you don't think I care about you"...and I said "no, I don't think anyone does really..."

This comes from my mom and dad. I never felt love and acceptance from them. There was always a motive behind what they said to me. I had to analyze every facial expression, tone of voice and word they said or didn't say. It determined what kind of day I was going to have in our house. I learned to spot the warning signals....

He did say he think it is appropriate to talk about me reducing sessions in the future because it means progress is being made. He said that he doesn't want to just drag me along for years and years. He also said nothing lasts forever and he has a hard time in his own life accepting that. But then he talked about other patients he has had for many years that come in and say 'you aren't helping me' but I'm still coming.

I need to explore this more next session. I did manage to say that I don't feel anywhere ready to reduce sessions at least weekly...he agreed there too.

We talked quite a bit about insurance hounding him. I don't know why they are doing this but he said he's trying to save me from unpaid sessions and he will fight harder for me.

At the end, I asked him where do we go from here session-wise, he asked me if weekly was okay that he thought I can handle it. He said that 2x per week is kind of for patients who are contemplating suicide...I didn't disagree with him there. I also would like to go back to weekly for now.

I just need to know if the option is there to increase if I need it. So I have more questions to expand on but feel I made some progress....