So this situation does repeat the pattern for me of forever and always being in relationships with other people who do not feel as much for me as I feel for them. The majority of my primary relationships (family, spouse, certain friends) are with people who do not make me a priority. So, this situation came on the heels of other people in my life prioritizing other peoples' feelings over mine, or refusing to be on my side even in clear cut situations where the other person was clearly in the wrong and being completely unreasonable. I was already stinging from those situations, and this seemed like just one more relationship in which I love the other person and he doesn't really love me (even as a friend). And I tend to never walk away from these relationships. I am very loyal and if I consider someone a friend, I just don't walk away, even when the other person is clearly not as invested as I am. I may become more emotionally reserved from the person, but I stay in the relationship and I am there for the other person if he or she needs me.

T and I talked last week, and I think I understand a bit more clearly that he does care for me, but compartmentalizes his life and his feelings. I understand that and realize it may be necessary for him in order to be able to be a therapist long term, but this also seems like it would be an exercise in self care to walk away from yet another relationship of the same sort that has plagued me all my life. If I never get the sort of relationship where someone really loves me (in real life, not therapy love), and really has my back, why keep replaying this scenario? Why not walk away and go find someone who can understand me, but from whom I can keep more easily keep my emotional distance? As Clementine said, at this point, it just feels like I am pointlessly re-enacting a painful attachment pattern. Leaving would be breaking the pattern for me.