Hello all. I am weary of posting my real name pretty much anywhere online so I will go by nickname Ms.Wildside. A lot of people just call me Wildside. Anyways, I am 27 years old and was diagnosed as bipolar in February of this year. Honestly since I was a kid, I felt as if there was something off about me (I don't know how else to describe it); at 15 I discussed my issues with the high school psychiatrist and she chalked it up to being just a moody teenager and seeking attention. Because of this I tries to hide my issues as best I could. After years of hiding, several relationships with abusive men, and trying to cope through drug and alcohol, I decided it was time for a change and moved back to my parents. Life seemed to get better, I got into a trade school for something I aabsolutely love, graduated and got a job in my trade. My love life was far from 'normal' and I still continued to smoke marijuana daily and binge drink on occasion. Then about a year and a half ago I reconnected with an old acquaintance and we started dating. I soon found myself head over heels, I had never been in such a relationship with someone like him, he truly cares about me and is so open and honest, and wants to do everything he possibly can for me. Then the panic attacks started to hit, honestly I didn't know what they were and thought I was dying so I ended up in the ER several times until the last time there I broke down. The doctor knew there was something else going on aside from my physical pain and called the county crisis line and soon there was a counselor there asking me questions and talking with me. After talking for at least an hour she said it seemed to her that I was probably bipolar and recommended I get evaluated. I told her I was confused as to why suddenly when life was going so well and I was in a healthy relationship for once that I was being hit so hard with these panic attacks and cycles now. She told me that because I was finally in a healthy relationship and thinking about a future with my boyfriend including marriage and children it was causing me to stress about my issues and essentially coming forward so I could get professional help. (She explained it much better than I can here). So I took her advice and had an evaluation done at a local mental health clinic that helps people with no health insurance and little to no income (currently I fall into both these categories). After the evaluation I was told I was bipolar, with some anxiety issues and possibly PTSD from some traumatic experiences in my past. Although I quit drinking because I was still using marijuana daily I was put into a dual diagnosis group as well as a waiting list to see the doctor. I am currently awaiting to be see the doctor and be put on medication. I have stopped using and drinking completely and I am still attending my group as often as I can. Honestly I am struggling with being sober because the marijuana helped me (or at least seemed to help me) with the anxiety and depression up until the last time I used while in the midst of a manic episode and I had by far the worst panic attack yet. Anyways now that I noticed Ihave essentially written a novella I will sign off. I am looking forward to chatting with everyone.