I've been having some issues with my current therapist (CT) around my feelings about being just a client to him. We have talked through and mostly resolved it, but I have some lingering hesitation about continuing therapy with him. I think it would be a huge relief to start over with someone different, and this time hold on harder to the boundaries in my head -- to always, always keep in mind that this other person is not really emotionally invested in me and doesn't actually care about me in real life. On the other hand, the thought of starting over and rehashing some of these things and having the other person get family with my issues seemed kind of overwhelming.

I met with another T yesterday -- let's call him PT for potential therapist. PT seemed like he understood me pretty quickly. He was really astute and observant. He made connections quickly, like when I talked about my mind going 'dark places,' he immediately knew I was talking about being suicidal, AND remained calm about it, and didn't go into panic mode, asking me if I have a plan, etc. He also seemed to really understand where I am coming from with CT. He said that he thought the therapeutic boundaries had become somewhat blurred, but not in a boundary violation way. He discussed how it can be therapeutically helpful for the T to discuss his feelings for a client, and it was very helpful in moving me forward in addressing issues, but my T having done so was what was continued to this kicked in the gut feeling I was having about the whole just a client discussion. He had picked up on the fact I have significant intimacy issues, and we discussed how those had improved a lot during therapy with CT, and he said he thought I would likely to continue to improve if I remain in therapy with CT. HOWEVER, he said he was also sure that if I continue with CT, I will periodically have to contend with the that kicked in the gut feeling when I bump up against the fact that I am always and forever just a client, and CT keeps me in those whole separate category in his head and never lets himself think about me in real life.

PT said that starting therapy with someone new would lead me in a very different direction in therapy. He said the intimacy issues probably would not come up (probably because I kept emphasizing how I was going to hold on hard to the idea that this was a professional thing only and never let myself lose sight of that). He said I already knew the pros and cons of changing and just needed to figure out if I wanted to continue the direction I am, working on the intimacy thing as well as the trauma issues, or change focus to be primarily the trauma issues.

So, I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do. Not seeing CT seems like it would be a huge loss and I will miss him terribly. I know that my relationships have improved dramatically as I become better equipped to deal with emotions and being close to people. Seeing PT seems like it would be a huge relief and a chance to be on more equal footing emotionally. Also, I think it would be easier to tell him some of the truly horrifying things because I am not at all invested in what he thinks of me. Seeing both isn't really an option for financial reasons.

If anyone has managed to read this huge book of a post and wants to share thoughts, experiences or suggestions, I would welcome that.