Just had my session after last weeks disclosure via phone-call about some abuse that took place in my childhood.

I felt really exposed and humiliated. Like she was seeing me for the first time, like she could see the dirt on my soul and on my body. I couldn't even speak or look at her for the shame of it. But I cried tons, like proper sobs of despair. She came and sat next to me and rubbed my back and talked gently to me. She said it sounded like my heart was breaking. And it felt like it was too. I just felt totally defeated by life. Before I left she gave me a long hug and I noticed she looked very teary eyed but I didn't say anything because I didn't know if she'd want me to have noticed.

She's really the first person I've allowed to comfort me like that. I've never allowed myself to let someone touch me when I'm upset and I've never been able to tolerate long hugs. And somehow, that touch that I'm allowing is really healing, it helps put me back together for a little while.

When I was growing up, for as long as I can remember I always wanted hugs, to cuddle into a safe adult but I never gave myself that, because I felt coming from me it would be perceived as sexual even tho it wasn't. Like it was something dirty and perverted. At that age I didn't know those words and wouldn't have thought in those terms but just that touch for me or from me was something wrong and dirty. So I never got the nurturing I wanted/needed.

I suppose it's a testament to how far I've come and how strong my relationship is with this T that I allow her to touch me.

Anyway, just thought I'd share.