I would give anything to feel human again. Happiness feels so impossible now that I'm diving toward rock bottom. I want to feel normal. I have forgotten how being happy feels, it is now a foreign emotion. I'm not even sure what "normal" means anymore. Is it honestly an umbrella term?
Normal for many people is motivation, ambition, happy with a pretty good mix of ups and downs. For others, it means having fun, living life, interacting with others an surrounded by friends and family.

My normal is wondering how I will survive each day as a new one arrives. It is trying to see my most important family (2-4 people, really) and my partner who tries so hard to help me and is very supportive, but he's exhausted. My normal also consists of more days locking myself in my room than not. When I cannot hold the facade any longer I run somewhere private and burst into tears. My new normal has SH impulses I've acted on twice already, for the first time in a year. I can feel more coming on. My normal is a list if 13 prescription meds that make my brain feel like hell and side effects are debilitating. My normal is wondering when it's going to actually happen- what will be *the thing* that takes me too far beyond return. What do I do then? I'm scared. There's a sniper who has her eye on me 24:7 and her name is Ally.

I am going to say, with utmost conviction, I would willingly give up my arms or legs, gosh maybe one of each if someone gave me the ultimatum of losing a limb or being depressed. In a heartbeat.
Actually I would give up almost anything. It has gotten that bad and my hope had been lowered to that level. I wish this were the case.

Sick of being the walking dead. I long to just never wake up to stop this anguish permanently.