I'm a bit uncertain regarding my dependency on my t. On the surface, it appears that I am overly dependent on my therapist - if you consider that I've been in therapy 10+ years and am having tremendous trouble getting by without a between-session email. . . to the point of great pain and desperation.

However, upon closer investigation, I am beginning to see that my "overdependence" on my t is actually a resistance to being dependent, attached, or connected. The thought of emotional intimacy, trusting someone with my heart and feelings, letting myself bond with them, letting them comfort me, allowing the t relationship to actually take on significance strikes literal terror in my heart!!!

It is precisely for this reason that I have become overly dependent, not on my relationship with my t in real time during my therapy session, but on the psuedo-intimacy I get from sending and receiving email messages from my t instead.

Communicating with her from a distance feels SAFE to me. Connecting from a distance feels SAFE. Telling her how I feel about her from a distance feels SAFE. But when I am in the therapy room, I feel uptight, scared, guarded, blocked, fearful of letting down my guard, afraid of losing composure and looking stupid, ashamed to ask for what I need when I am with her, etc.

What I mean is. . .Yes, I talk to her. Yes, I communicate verbally, quite well in fact. But I am operating from a guarded business-woman mode that I know is a defense. I want to analyze and stay in my head. I am scared of expressing feelings, of feeling feelings, and of developing feelings for my t. It is so fearful to me that, despite the obvious emotional neglect of my childhood and now badly I need that connection in order to heal, when it comes down to actually "letting in" any of the caring things she says and does, they bounce off of me instead of going in. I think in my head, "Well, that's a nice thing to say." But I don't let myself feel any positive warm feelings inside from it. I am terrified of letting myself experience something good that I know won't last and could end with me badly hurt in some way. I WANT to trust my t. I WANT to believe her caring is real and let myself feel good about it and benefit from it. But I feel UNABLE to do so.

Therefore. . .dependency on indirect email communication.

My t and I talked about it yesterday. It's getting so clear to me now. I am overly dependent on "the idea of a close relationship" with my t. I am dependent on getting a "feeling of" having a relationship like that without having to actually see her or be with her. That's the only way it feels safe to me to really open up totally and be myself. . .for that relationship to exist in the virtual world, somewhere in outer space, and I can get that message back from my t, and hold onto it to feel connected. Because I cannot do it face to face in the real world.